Lock down - melt down

My bestie made a joke the other week about how I’ve turned out to be a “trend-setter” as for years people moaned at me, trying to get me to out the house and into the “real world”. Yet now everyone is living like me. She thinks that I’m just loving life right now because I can stay in and do what I like, and I laughed along.

But inside I knew that wasn’t the case.

What the bestie fails to see is that this isn’t my usual would rather stay in and read or draw than deal with people. This is a lock down. Where I could talk myself into venturing into town for appointments or force myself into going round to the shop, it felt like an accomplishment that I could reward myself with by getting a coffee. Now I am unable to force myself to walk past my front door to sit in the garden.

Just because I like being indoors doesn’t make this any easier. Especially as the root of my introversion is based in my mental illness. I’m not like this by choice – It is a coping mechanism for me. I can’t handle large groups; I can’t function in situations where there are groups of people I don’t know. I very easily can be over stimulated and get agitated if I’m trying to please everyone at once. And for some reason that’s what I always seem to do. Not that I want everyone to like me – I am more that happy to just be ignored by everyone in there situations which is why I don’t like to wear makeup and draw attention to myself. But if you ignore others then they often take offence and I don’t do well with confrontation … honestly is exhausting so id rather just stay home.

Outside has become a million times scarier now with the extra added tensions. I am not classed as a vulnerable person so I can’t get online shopping – But standing in a line for an hour to shop when everyone is on edge is way too much. I couldn't even do supermarkets before the pandemic hit and always ordered online – now it’s impossible and I do panic that I’m not gonna be able to provide for me and the teen.

My family are at risk. My mum’s place of employment is classed as essential, so she needs to go to work but she doesn’t keep good health, so she is at risk. She’s also got no option but to work as her employer is open so she must be there if she wants paid. My stepdad has poor health and a heart that has on many occasions tried to implode. If she catches something at work it could kill him, but if she doesn’t work, they don’t eat. He’s self-employed and can’t work just now so she needs to bring in an income. I can’t take clients due to social distancing so it’s not like I have money spare that I can help them with, and they live in England so I can’t even pop round with food to leave at their door.

My brother in law is also an essential worker who every day goes out and has to deal with people and then go home to my sister and my baby niece. Where they are is remote with the nearest hospital about an hour away. If one of them gets sick, then they are far from help.

Daddy is an essential worker and is in and around lots of vulnerable people every day. He has asthma but if he doesn’t work, he doesn’t eat. If he doesn’t go in a lot of people might go without the help they need with daily life too. His clients won’t get their meds or eat all day. That weighs heavy on my mind all the time. These people are my life. I love them with my whole heart, and I’m scared for them.

So, for a while now I haven’t been doing well mentally.

I have been taking extra medication to help with declining mental health, but it has been fucking with me physically. My libido is in the tank and while I have been doing better with no panic attacks, my mood is all over the place. If anything, I would say my depression and anxiety are fluctuating so rapidly that I’m living on a hair trigger and possibly will be for a while. That scares me but I know that its not forever, so I just need to hold on. My being able to do challenges or make Daddy videos has pretty much halted as I cant get in the right mindset. So added to the mental pressures I feel like a shitty sub too. I cant win!

I have to find ways to cope with issues that I never had before and I’m back to having to take my days down to the basics again – I need to eat, wash and possibly check in with family. Anything over and above is a bonus. If I don’t manage to get dressed the fine, forgot to brush my hair then who cares. I need to be kinder to myself, more than I normally would – and even Daddy has been a bit more concerned and therefor a touch more lenient.

Only a touch mind.



  1. Thanks you for sharing this - I agree u need to be kind to yourself - at a time like this i think many of us feel anxious doing simple things like going to the shops.
    Please take care of yourself
    May x

  2. I can stand with you on many of your points. My washing machine is in my garage, and there are many weeks I can't walk that exposed 12 feet to put a wash in without C-19 in the mix. Ans then on good days, to go out and feel the success is important and now impossible. Be kind to yourself and remember your worries are shared by many people and you are not alone in finding this impossibly hard.

    1. I know i'm not alone and although I hate that others feel like this, it does make me feel a little better to know its "normal" and that i'm not just going mad. Hope you are having more good days than bad and that you are staying safe and well. Hugs xx

  3. I'm sorry that your anxiety is being exacerbated so much. You certainly have the right idea about being kind and caring to yourself, and just focus on the simple essentials. As you say, anything else is a bonus. Take care, and health and wellbeing to you and your loved ones xx

    1. I will do. Mental heath is just as important as physical and we are all doing the best we can. Hope you are well to. Hugs xx