30 days submission - Day 30

Is your need to submit being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again? What makes submission special to you?

Are my submissive needs being met? The quick answer is no … but there is more to it than just that.

I am in a long-distance relationship for the first time in my life. Daddy works like an animal, pulling 12 plus hour shifts most days, with the occasional day off to do everything he needs to. He will then make the hour plus drive just to see me which I love him all the more for, cause if that doesn’t prove how much he wants to be with me then nothing would. Where I may only have been able to see him once a week if I was lucky, we would supplement this distance with “challenges” – These could be anything from make him an orgasm video every hour all day or if I had to go out and about I would have to wear my plug or make him a naughty video in the bathroom of a cafĂ©. That one is a real challenge as I tend to moan when I cum, and I have no hide not only the noise but the flushed look on my face and neck. While not exactly the most fulfilling of ways to show my submission to him, it worked for the purposes of distance.

Now the UK is in lock down. Which not only cuts off my option to make him naughty videos out and about, I am also a mum. Which means I am now with my teenage son pretty much all the time. It’s not like I can play when he is down for a nap or anything. So, I’m limited to waiting for him to be asleep or locking myself in the bathroom to make Daddy a video. Neither of which are working at the moment though as my mental health is all over the place. I cant get over my missing him enough to feel able to be sexy for him.

Add to that I am still new in my exploration of my submissive side. Doing the maths – Daddy and I have been a couple for almost 6 months. We see each other once a week if we are lucky and had an almost 2 full months at Christmas that we were apart … so we have been able to spend time with each other 16 times give or take. Keeping in mind that there is a week or so between these times, I am struggling to really get into what I want my submission to be. I'm not able to explore my submissive side on a timer. 

Do I want to be a bratty little who throws tantrums to get punished? 
Do I want to be a good girl all the time for Daddy? 
Do I want to take it a step further and be more towards the Master/slave where my one purpose is to please him? 

It is hard as I’m still discovering what I like in general but I have to do it long distance which feels like I’m doing it alone sometimes. That is in no way his fault and I never have thought it isn’t working for me because of him. But I do get frustrated sometimes that it will be like this for so long that it becomes our normal. I recently have also started to worry about wither it will be worth if for Daddy. 

So often he says he feels like a bad Daddy because I express my unhappiness at the situation. I already feel like a shitty sub and hearing that he feels like a bad Daddy just compounds the issue. What kind of sub lets her Dom feel bad about himself? What kind of girlfriend lets her man feel bad? And what if he decides to call time on us and look for a better sub closer to home? One that doesn’t accidentally make his life harder than it already is just now. I would be devastated to lose him. I don't think he would ever bail. Nothing about him gives me the impression hes not happy with us as a couple - I know its my MH demons being dicks throwing that thought out. But it still scares me a little.

I don’t want to be a hassle to Daddy. I have on occasion thought that perhaps I should refrain from telling him how I feel, but in all honestly not only would I struggle to keep that a secret, but I really don’t want to. When I discuss it with my mum and my bestie, they have the don’t be so open – he doesn’t need to know everything mentality. That might work for them in their relationships but that’s not how I want to be. I see having a partner as exactly that a PARTNER! Someone who I am in this with. Who I am supposed to share my life with – good and bad. I don’t want to keep secrets like that. Not only don’t I want to, Daddy has expressly told me he wants to know everything. No secrets! So why would I break that trust with him? I would be crushed if he didn’t feel like he could tell me when he’s not happy so why would I do that to him?

I know the feelings of inadequacy are situational. Meaning when all this Covid madness calms down we can get back on track. His hours should hopefully calm down then too and we can spend more time together allowing me to figure out my place in our D/s dynamic. I just don’t know when that will be.

Do I think I could be content if I was never able to be submissive to him how I want ever again? I don’t think so, but I also don’t know if that would ever be an issue. 

We have both said that we want this to be a forever thing. One day I wont have to say goodbye and wonder when I will next see him as he will come home to me every night. So I will be able to be submissive to him always. Right now I am restricted, but if we lived together then a whole new world would be open to us. And that for me is the ultimate goal. I love being submissive to him as its something I have never been able to do before. I know he has had other subs before me and that's fine but for me, I want him to be my only Dom. I want to submit fully to him and I want to be his last sub. I get to experience this with him only, making it special for me. I can only assume our D/s relationship is different to his previous ones as I am different to those women, so I hope he finds it special too.

I lived long enough in the vanilla world, never being fully satisfied with my relationship. Now I have met the man who not only opened my eyes to what I truly needed, but has kicked down a wall and shown me how much there is to life outside my comfort zone. I cant ever go back. I’m enamoured by this way of life and I am completely devoted to Daddy, so why would I ever let it stop?

I’m happily falling down this rabbit hole – Now I just need to figure out where I want to land.

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