I feel so relaxed today. And I owe it all to Daddy.

I love having him stay over. Not only for the playtime but cause he makes me feel so happy. Simple things like having dinner with him and the teen make me smile. Cuddling into him, in my little nook, and watching random TV makes my head feel calm and my heart feel safe.

It started off amazing as always. Him coming in and as he was a ready in Daddy mode, it didn't take me long to get into my submissive mindset. It never really does now. He just gives me this look - and I'm instantly his play thing.

Later on in the night though it got so rough and so good. I can actually feel myself bending to him these days.

Granted it was a heavily punished play. I was a bit cheeky and took my punishment as I should have. But I have this problem where I just don't know when to shut the fuck up sometimes. I am learning and I have been working on my self control more but my automatic response is a hard thing to break. So when being spanked hard I can't help but put my hands out to protect my butt. I also have this issue where I automatically hit back. It's not usually during play but it's still not acceptable sub behaviour.

Last night for example I was seriously spanked to the point where even Daddy reminded me I can say the safe word - it was intense and a painful beating but I actually enjoyed every sore second of it. So got my after care and I gathered myself to go downstairs to make a coffee for Daddy when he intentionally hit my very sore ass with his knee. Fuck me it hurt like a bitch so I instinctively smacked him away. 

Big mistake!

I got tied to the bed for that one and was ready to take punishment till he brought out the wand. Now, if you follow me on Twitter you will understand why I panicked. That little thing is like crack! It's gonna fuck you up. Earlier that morning I came so intense I passed out so I was not happy when he pulled it out the toy boy. I know should have took my punishment like a good girl but instead I "just don't learn" and managed to toss the toy off the other side of the bed as he left it where I could reach still cuffed.

Even bigger mistake. Fucking huge! 

His thing, when he's about to get sadistic, is to give this laugh. Honestly it both terrifies and excites me when he does it cause I know it's gonna get intense. "Oh really?" means I'm pushing it or have pushed to far and i need to be corrected but that laugh? Yeah 'mean Daddy' is coming to play so brace yourself. What I didn't expect was him go pull a roll of tape out my work station and tape my mouth shut so I would stop taking back and then tape my legs together with the wand place.

Holy shit! 

My only saving grace was that he taped my legs before he added the wand so it wasn't flush to my clit or else I would have been seriously screwed. Being left like that though, Completely helpless and totally vulnerable done something to my head. It's something that's happened before and he tells me It's me being completely submissive to him. Mind, body and soul.

To me if feels like I've been broken. And it's something that I long for, I just didn't realise that's what being broken was. You see when we play, there is always this resilience in me. I can't help it. I put it down to this is still a new experience and relationship for me. Plus we went through a little period there where I was feeling like I was losing my connection to daddy. 

When he is here it's amazing. I can get into the sub space and start to let myself go, but I know in xyz number of hours he's got to leave and it's back to just texting again, and it was starting to really get to me. 

Watching him leave always felt too much like goodbye, rather than see you later. It was like when he left my line of sight, I was no longer his and he was no longer mine and as a sub that really fucked with my head. In typical me fashion though I put my feelings to the side and didn't want go bother him about it. I didn't want him to know how sad this was making me cause i didnt want him to think i was being ungrateful for the time he does give me. 

Then I got the perspective of another Dom. He told me explicitly that it's OK to feel like this but I have to tell my Daddy cause without any doubt he will want to know. 

And yeah he did! Turns out that not telling him how I was feeling was pissing him off, and going by the difference in is text messages, he was a little hurt too. His apology for not putting me higher on his to do list the next day confirmed this. It has also put into place some rules which I didn't realise I really needed and some repercussions for when I keep trying to change the subject. After all, disobedience leads to punishment. I still feel bad though, that my sadness infected him cause i know he works so hard and he is here when he can be.

Because of this chat, now I get regular calls - speaking to him practically every day and he sends more pics. I even got a video call. And the difference to not only how I feel as a sub but also as a girlfriend is unreal. My mental health is better cause I don't feel as alone and I also still feel connected to him when he's not here. The little challenges he gives me, make me feel his dominance over me even though we are apart and it turns out this simple improvement has meant I am able to completely submit to him during out play.

Last night he broke me. And I really REALLY needed it. Cumming to the point that my whole body shakes and convulses. Orgasming so intense that it literally pours out of me. At one point I was in one position and next thing, I remember being in another, and I have zero memory getting from A to B other than 'yup I'm cumming again'. I was out of my head. I didn't think - I just enjoyed. Giving Daddy 100% full and total control over me. Where I though I was completely there before, I was very much mistaken ... and my reward for such submission? 

Daddy fucked me into a coma. 

I couldn't speak towards the end and after that I don't remember much apart from cumming all over the place and him holding me. Next thing it's 6.40am and I'm waking up horny as hell realising I just slept the night through. I felt AMAZING and that's what happens every time he breaks me. Every time he pushes me past where I think I can go - past me telling him I can't cum anymore and right over to true submission - where I'm out of my own head and I just am. Its like he's hitting the reset button on me and i crave that now i know he can do it!

If our communication continues like this, I don't see me being able to fully submit being a rare thing either. I can feel I'm letting him in more. I am finding it easier to tell him things as hes proving there is no judgment. He makes me feel safe and I have unrestricted trust in him. I literally trust him with my life and that's a fair price for all that pleasure.

I've spent all day trying to replay it in my head. The over thinker in be is a pest for that, she disects everything - even when i don't want her to. The memories make me so hot that he can just play my body like that. Like he built it so he knows all the right places to touch, however for some reason I'm playing over in my head me cumming just from nipple play. If that happened it's another first he's managed - though I'm sceptical of this memory as I'm sure daddy would have told me over breakfast in bed this morning ... another first BTW and my girly brain almost cried cause I was so flattered. Bless him he didn't get it cause to him "it's just toast and cheese" but he has no idea how much something as simple as that means when you never got it before.

I'm still in awe that he brings me coffee in the morning.