I'm missing my daddy. 

I got got permanently branded thanks to him today - in the form of tattoos as a Christmas present. And I'm so in awe of them and him, that he's been on my mind all day.

After my appointment, I went for a coffee as I needed that little pick me up - tattoo placement on parts of your body with little to no 'padding' hurts like fuck! While sitting at the table, my mind longing for him to get a second in his busy day to message me it got me thinking about how much I actually love him.

The closest i ever felt to really loving someone before was my ex. I tried as hard as I could to make him happy and rightly or wrongly I took any attention he gave me. Only after we split could I see how horrible this was. Don't get me wrong, he was a nice guy in the beginning. At first he was kind to the teen (then 6) and he was considerate of me. But when sitting down the other day with my bestie, who knows me so well, some things were brought to my attention.

I was never my real self with him. 90% of the time I wore the mask that the rest of the word gets. When I started to try and give him access to the real me it was met with so much judgement that I never again contemplated letting him in. I gave him the bare minimum of "me" - instead projecting this bubbly happier persona to him which caused so much inner turmoil. Even with family events, he made zero effort with mine, when I embraced his family like my own. That relationship should have ended after year 2. But instead I gave him 4 more years.

When discussing this with the bestie she reminded me of a conversation we once had. When she asked me what I would say if he proposed. My answer was quick - fuck no! My argument was jokingly "why get the government involved" but I think a part of me knew that it would be a huge mistake. 

I was reminded of this today as while in Costa, after sharing my new body art with her, she called to continue our chat from a couple of days ago. She brought the subject of Daddy up, saying something that a few other people have commented on ... "you seem genuinely happy".

And here's the thing. I am.

I met him at a really rough time. Which was seriously unfair to him. My gran, who was an amazing wee woman was diagnosed with not only breast but ovarian cancer and was literally dying before my eyes. My mental health had gone down so quick I had started drinking every night to shut my brain up and started self harming to make the pain inside me more physical than emotional. I can deal with something tangible but losing the one woman I had that I could turn to made me spiral so quick. I was plummeting hard a few weeks into "seeing" him and it was getting too hard keeping the mask on.

I had no intention of being in a relationship with Daddy. That was nothing against him - it was cause I didn't wanna get hurt again. I didn't think I could handle it, not with so much going on. So instead I wanted to enjoy a purely physical connection with him. I was open and honest about this from the start and he agreed. And we all know how that turned out. One thing that was alarmingly obvious to me with him though was how comfortable i felt actually being me. I need to emphasise here - even my the bestie hasn't even been fully let in to the raw real me. He wants to see the complete real, bare me - Which i find funny as hes got further than everyone with the exception on my gran, and hes still not scared off.

I was the one who kicked it up a gear. I have always seemed to be able to make big leaps like that which confuses most. I put it down to being such an over thinker. I can be working or playing Xbox and in the back of my mind I have 3 other ideas or thoughts just simmering away. So it was no surprise to me or the bestie when I told her of my plan to ask him to not only be my Dom but to be my man!

What surprised me today though was when she asked me the question, What if he were to propose? I very quickly said yes. And that wasn't expected. I guess it's cause I have no idea if that's even something he would want. We are almost 3 months in to "officially dating" and I am very aware that not everyone's mind goes a mile a minute like mine so it's not something I'm gonna ask his opinion on, at least not just now - but it is something I have been thinking since she asked me. Not specifically getting married but how i feel about him. I mean, really feel.

Daddy is definitely different and even something as mainstream as marriage, knowing how I feel about it (I never really saw the point) and still being willing to be legally bound to him screams volumes. It did to her too who was pissing herself laughing at me on the phone cause according to her chick flick mindset he is "the one" - whatever the fuck that means.

I love him. Whole-heartedly and with every part of me. Before when i have been lucky enough to be in love with a partner, it felt nice and made me smile. So i knew what i was experiencing. But with Daddy - Its so different. Its almost primal. This desire to be with him, this urge to protect him and us. With exes if they spoke about other women, i would give they jokey "I'd kick your ass" response cause it made me feel kinda weird. When casually discussing the idea of a threesome with Daddy however, i get an actual pain in my stomach at the idea of sharing him. I have actually burst into tears when i have had dreams (read: nightmares) about it. I cant cope with the idea.

With the ex he had to talk me into trying to get pregnant 5 and a half years into the relationship. If daddy turned around and told me he wanted me to be the mother of his children, I wouldn't hesitate for a second.

Where if the ex had asked me to marry him I would have thrown up. If daddy was to propose I would burst into tears and scream yes as I threw my arms around him.

I have told Daddy parts of me that my family don't - and wont - ever know cause i want him to see all of me. While its easy to say "no judgement" - He has proven it time and time again which makes me all the more willing to open up to him. He wants all parts of me and i believe he will protect those parts too.