When daddy is here, I have this unbelievable euphoria. Even something as mundane as lying in bed watching Star Trek together gives me this weird sense of happiness. I'm content with him, no matter what I am doing. So when he goes, I know to expect this drop in endorphins - commonly called sub drop.

For me, sub drop happens usually a few hours after he's left me. It doesn't happen every time - at least not enough to merit worry. I find it happening most often on the occasions he's only able to come down for a few hours. We will be together, usually making the most of our time and then when he has to go I feel almost empty. I have noticed that our aftercare has been a little lapsed of late on these days so i assume that has much to do with it. However this weekend had plenty of aftercare, yet the sub drop was the worst it's ever been.

On milder cases I know what to do when the endorphins suddenly drop. So much so that I make sure I have this down time built in when I know he is going to have to leave. I'll deliberately avoid plans for after he goes, knowing I will be emotional, tender and thoroughly exhausted. I make myself a warm drink (usually tea) and go back up to my bed, cuddle up with my blankets and the pillow he lay on and watch something upbeat. I almost always fall asleep and when I wake up I have a snack ready usually an orange and I'm more than prepared to feel a bit weepy and not very sociable the rest of the night. By morning I'm back on an even keel. 

This weekend I was floored. Quite literally.

He let himself out as watching him go started to fuck with my head. Though he calls me on his Bluetooth when going home so I can still feel close to him. It's kinda like being weaned off. I go from seeing and hearing him, to just hearing him, to just texting again. It sucks, I'm not gonna lie - but I'll take what I can get.

After I got off the phone I went to make a cup of tea and I just buckled. Like all of a sudden my standing up was the final straw and my mind just flashed a big neon sign saying "You're alone again ... He's gone again ... You're gonna have to wait a while again". And the sudden rush of feeling that hut me like a damn sledgehammer reduced me to tears in a pile on my bedroom floor, clutching my mouth so the teen didn't hear me sob.

And here's the cunt part for me. I think my mental health magnifies this immensely. Where normal times I feel the drop, I know I can hold on and pull through, just giving myself time. Twice now it's been so intense feeling that I've wondered if I can cope with all this anymore. 

I know realistically I can. And I'm so on top of my depression and anxiety in such a way that I can always find the patterns and a know the triggers. But Daddy is a new trigger and that's going to take some time getting used to. Although this blog us somewhat of a diary, I do keep a personal journal where I track feelings, reactions etc so I do know, like the last bad drop, the behind the scenes stuff is a huge contributor to how shitty I still feel a day later.

My gran who was like my go to for mental health things passed away and yesterday (Sunday) her ashes were spread. I opted out as that was too much for me and appreciated daddy coming to be with me. Today is/would have been her 87th birthday so that is weighing on me a lot. The teen is hitting his rebellious 'I'm gonna argue black is white and up is down just for shits and giggles phase' which is getting me irritated as him challenging me at every corner gets old quick, and thanks to my ex crawling out from under his rock, I've had my fill of anxiety to last me a year - yet all this has been in the space of a week. 

I really needed daddy, not just for comfort, but cause I needed him to hit the reset button on me. He can do this in ways that no-one else on this planet has ever been able to do ... and i need that.

I spiral, I know I do, but somehow he can stop me and having him take over, taking control is amazing. He also seems to know what i need before i do. He can calm me right down with the simple action of putting his hand on my chest plate and kissing my forehead. I know if i need to vent he will listen, even if there is no help he can offer. Simply listening to me is enough to let me almost clear my mind and he knows this and lets me, never judging and always caring.

But on the same hand when he goes, it becomes glaringly obvious that I'm alone again and I don't like it. And i think that's the reason i'm currently on day 2 of a shitty sub drop where i just wanna cry and throw things.

So what do i do when it's this bad?

I amp up the self care.

Where my usual hot drink, nap and snack combo isn't enough just now ... i take the time to really take care of myself.

A bath - Im always tender after a long session with Daddy, so after an over night stay, i'm gonna ache. I have Radox muscle relaxing bubble bath and i spend a good couple of hours in the tub, with my book or my music, just allowing myself to simply exist.

Watch something funny - My go to is Mrs Browns boys, as it is maybe 20 minutes per episode so i don't need to concentrate that much and the humour makes me smile so i can get lost in it. I had previously tried my favorite shows like documentaries or binging a box set but i can't focus long enough so it ends up stressing me out more. Mrs Brown on the other hand, can make me smile and that's enough for me.

Get creative - One way that i cope with my mental health is to turn my negative feelings into something positive. Sub drop is no different. I like to draw, so when i'm having a bad time, i get out my wrap and sketch book. Sometimes if i struggle with inspiration i'll ask Daddy for ideas. This also helps me feel like i'm fulfilling a challenge of sorts too which i like. Not all challenges given by a Dom, need to be sexual.

Sleep - While this might seem counter productive to waste a day sleeping, i find for me it works. Having a nap or an early night just lets me shut down. I can't feel these feelings if i'm asleep. Though this isnt always a guarantee that i will stay asleep.

Chocolate - I'm not one for lots of sweet things. Being a bigger gal, i tend to limit my sugar intake anyway but when i feel like this, anything goes. Including a cheeky flake or a wispa. I think i will make sure to have my absolute favorite ice cream (Ben and Jerry's - Blondie brownie core) waiting for me in the freezer for the next possible bout. I know that helps during a bad depression spell so i have an inkling it was made for sub drop.

Above all though i make sure i am kind to myself. I don't listen to the nasty parts of my mind that view me as weak for feeling so needy. As i know that it's all perfectly normal and if anything shows just how much fun i really have with him.