Keeping quiet - FebPhotoFest

I feel this post should be called "why can't i shut the fuck up" but it feels a bit aggressive for the Google bots. 

I have managed to get myself into trouble with Daddy ... though I maintain i didn't start off bratty - being told I'm the "most disobedient brat ever" did rub me up the wrong way.
Very wrongly my inner brat went off on one with the "you ain't seen nothing yet" mentality and boy did she fuck up. Flipping him off mid stress position when he gave fake empathy made it worse and then when she called him an asshole under her breathe and he heard sealed the fate of the rest of us. 

That bitch needs to learn when to shut the fuck up!

Thing is tonight I don't need strict Daddy ... Tonight I need my puppy. The cuddly version of Daddy when I'm feeling really sad and shitty so I get cuddles. 

It's not his fault that he didn't pick up on that need though. Like i said in yesterday's post, i'm deliberately keeping my sad feelings away from him. And I'd rather take the punishment for being a brat than have to explain how sad I am to him just now.

I'm not sure how long I will be able to keep my negative feelings from him. I don't like it as it feels like I'm keeping secrets from him but at the same time I really don't wanna let my shitty mental health infect him - and this is the first time I've had a bad spell without a valid reason since we got together. What's the point in making him worry when he's too far away to comfort me? Why make him feel like a bad Daddy when it's not really his fault.

I feel like I've been really unfair on him and I need to rein myself in. I don't want to be unfair on him when he's being so amazing to me.

Little things like me begging him to stay is not fair when I know he has to go. Asking him to come be with us full time isn't fair, cause realistically with his work it's not possible, so I'm just making him feel frustrated. Telling him I don't see him as much as I want it's beyond shitty of me cause he works like an animal and he comes down when he can. My saying I want more is just ungrateful as fuck.

So instead I'm keeping my longing and frustrations locked inside for fear that it become too much for him. At least while going through this dark spell. It's safer that way. I can't keep it up for long though cause I just don't like having to hide any part of me from him.

It doesn't feel right.
February Photofest

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