Worst kinda cock-block

TW - Alchoholic, Suicide, Child Abuse, self harm.

Ugh!

I'm in such a mood and I need to vent so here I am, like a form of therapy when smashing glasses just won't do.

I'm all over the place tonight.

I had such a good morning with Daddy. Getting spanked and teased over coffee was the best start to the day but then my aunt appeared to cock block me.

Or I guess the real culprit is my biological father. I find it difficult to call him dad. It annoys a lot of family that I refuse to but it actually makes my stomach feel funny when I say dad so I call him by his first name. For the purpose of this blog though I will call him Count Drunkula.

So the count has had a drinking problem for as long as I can remember. My mum sometimes talked about when they were first together that he didn't drink that much, but for me, I always remember him drinking. That's the count I grew up with. He isn't a nice drunk either and especially with me, the daughter he wished he never had, he was incredibly mean. He was so hard on me growing up. Always telling me what a disappointment I was, I could never do anything right and when I was old enough to start answering back it just resulted in physical violence - at least till I started to hit back.

It is what it is. There is no use crying over spilled beer and while it's done some irreparable damage for me, I am at least able to say I survived him. One way I cope is I have cut contact for over a year now. Which also means he has no access to the teen either. I will never appologise for this as my son is my whole world and I'm not going to put him in danger just to make other people feel better.

The count is a master narcissist though. And he plays the victim so well, I'm in awe that he's not got a cabnet full of Oscars. So quite often he will cause drama and everyone will pander to him - and cause I never did, I'm always the cunt in his story. That's fine, I fit the roll of villain well. But this weekend he went to far.

I have lost count of the amount of suicide attempts he has had over the years. The one that sticks in my mind was the time my little sister and I (ages 9 and 13 respectively) had to cut him down when he tried to hang himself. But there were times at college where he called to tell me goodbye cause he was gonna drive into a wall full speed and I know about times a friend found him with a pipe in his exhaust. 

It's what he does. And yes I might seem really cold about something so serious but it's the only way I can cope. I physically can't allow myself to worry about him any more cause it makes me so ill that I can't function. He can continue on drinking and being happy after the fact, while I'm left craving into myself to distract my demons for the pain in my heart. I can't, and I refuse to go back there. I tried for years to get him help but he never accepted it so what can I do?

This weekend he pulled another stunt, which ended with him getting his door kicked in by the police and his brothers unable to "deal with him". I have limited sympathy for them to be honest. This is their first rodeo ... I had it for years as a child/teen/adult - buckle up princesses, he kicks like a bitch! 

My aunt thought it would be better if I was told face to face that he done that 5 DAYS AGO and that no one had heard from him since. As if I had the magical answer. As blunt as I am - I know I'm a cunt - I reminded her that there is nothing I can do so unless I'm needed to identify his body or sign off on him being sectioned then I really don't know what she wants of me.

This wasn't the answer she was looking for - but it's the only one I can give. At least I'm willing to help that way but that's my limit. I'm not prepared to open that door again and ruin mine and the Teens life just to make him happy. I strongly believe he can't ever been happy. And I can't shoulder that responsibly anymore. The family have been discussing it all and apparently I'm at fault for part of this - impressive since I've not been in his life over a year - and that my stopping him seeing the teen is the fault. Well sucks to be him cause that's not happening, and the teen has no interest either so it's the end of conversation as far as I'm concerned.

I was so pissed off about it all that I had to ask daddy to really hurt me with the paddle when she left. I was so in my head with it all that I needed him to take me out of it in the only way he truly can.


Having him take control over me gives me the release i need. Him holding me in place as he makes my ass cheeks pink with each whip of the paddle. His hand gripping my hips to stop my body jerking. I was so into being used and abused in a way I could ultimately control that I begged him to fuck me. A wish he was more than happy to grant and having him fuck my ass deep as he pinned me down and owned me was just what i needed. Cumming as he gripped my throat. Pushing my hips up so he could get deeper I side me as I moaned beneath him. Having him kiss my shoulder as his breathing quickens, then hearing those groans that tell me he was gonna cum inside me sending me into leg shaking orgasms as he painted my insides in him cum. After being used so fully, I was able to put everything else out of my mind. I was able to enjoy my day with Daddy, full of orgasms, good food and lots of kisses. It was amazing.

Till just now, where he's had to go home. Where im sad that I'm alone and had to answer questions from my upset sister who is 350 miles away and my aunt who still can't get a hold of him.

While i am glad to be alive and I'm greatful I have my sister, and who has gave me my baby niece, I am dumbfounded when I think about how people like the count are allowed to have kids. 

The damage that having an Alchoholic parent does is irreparable and I don't care what anyone says. Those scars run deep for both of us, and then I have the abusive relationship with him on top of that. The teen is my everything. I would cut off a limb if it would keep him safe, yet I had a parent that often put me in some seriously dangerous situations. The number of times he almost burned the house down while we slept is unreal. As a parent now, I look back on them and realise how lucky he was that my sister and I didn't get taken off him by social worker. And the night he tried to end it with us in the house was actually a blessing cause then any custody agreements went out the window and we got to go back with mum. 

But those scars are twitching tonight and I'm reminded that by the time I was the Teens age (he's 13 next week) I had already witnessed my first (of many) suicide attempt, had begun self harming to cope with the trauma I couldn't talk about, moved 3 times in under 2 years and been used as a pawn in my parents divorce while trying to protect my younger sister.

I genuinely wonder how I'm still standing.


4 comments

  1. "Always telling me what a disappointment"

    This really got me - no child should be told they are a disappointment - I am sorry that happened to you - and I think now it is right you keep involvement down to a minimum
    I wish you well
    May

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    1. It definitely done damage to me growing up which is why i wont tolerate anyone saying it to the teen ever.

      Cutting contact wasn't easy but its the best for my little family and that's all I care about now. Actions have consequences and I am prepared to live with mine but i will not be blamed for his xx

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  2. I'm sorry you had to endure this and hope that this prompt hasn't upset you more or reopened any scars because that is not the intention of SB4MH. With that said, I do hope that you felt some sort of relief opening up & sharing with us. I am glad to hear that "daddy" was supportive & helped you cope with the stress of your aunt visiting.
    I do know from personal experience that sometimes its best to walk away, leave the alcoholic alone with themselves. It may difficult but necessary for you & your family.
    Thanks again for sharing something very personal with us.
    :)

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    Replies
    1. Awe thank you huni.

      No the prompts don't upset me more. If anything they give me the opportunity to look at things that have happened in the past with a different perspective. I have bottled and pushed so much down over the years that its about time I unpacked and cleaned some of those skeletons out the closet.

      I'm sorry you too have experience with an alcoholic family member. Can I ask, has it changed your views about drinking as an adult? I always have this fear in the back of my mind when I have a drink that I will somehow turn into a version of him. I wondered if anyone else experienced that thought process xx

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