Could i ever be enough?

TW - Mental health, suicide, child abuse

I have been feeling really conflicted lately.

Having dealt with my depression and anxiety for over a decade, i am well aware how it affects my day to day life.

I am a chronic introvert thanks to severe anxiety. I can easily get myself worked up from zero to sixty in a matter of seconds which makes me get agitated at insignificant things and i'd rather not let people see how mental i am. Dealing with people is hard sometimes. Little things from an expression someone gives me, i might read it in a negative way which makes me panic. This has got me into some real problems recently and i am aware that i'm not always reading these cues right, but i can't explain this to people cause the look of judgment reduces me to tears. It's easier just to limit social interactions.

Some people in the know have put it down to an abusive childhood. At the time when kids learn to read facial cues, i was constantly interacting with an aggressive alcoholic, who although was my biological parent, made it clear often that he actually hated me. But how can i explain to someone that the reason i have got seriously anxious is because they have washed dishes 'aggressively'. Or paired socks in such a manner that it reads to me as i'm in danger. Unless you have lived that life, you can't understand what i mean and so trying to explain it to someone is almost impossible.

Large groups of people make me seriously uncomfortable. Between being paranoid my very existence is an issue to others and the overwhelming feeling that i am in danger in such instances, It makes for potential awkward outings with my partner. I do of course have coping techniques for such occasions but its not a fail safe and there are times where its too overwhelming so i need to leave. Sometimes they are cool with it but others its obvious that its a problem with them and usually lead to arguments where i'm made to feel even more shitty about my mental health.

Having depression on top of anxiety is an actual riot. Where my anxiety makes me feel like i'm annoying everyone i interact with, my depression is like the shitty wee kid that hides behind the bully waving its fist shouting "yeah!" everytime i get a kicking.

Where i might feel like i'm bothering someone, my depression gives me some not very nice solutions. It's not that i am suicidal. I would never EVER do that to the teen. I still have dreams about the night i had to cut my father down from an attempted hanging. It's been 20 years and i can still smell the vomit when he dropped to the floor and puked. I couldn't do that to the teen. Not only that but i know i can keep on fighting cause i want to see him grow up. I want to see what kind of man he turns into and i want to see my baby niece grow up. I still have a lot left in life i wanna do and while i know that my depression and anxiety will make it hard, i'm not ready to give up yet. That doesn't mean my brain doesn't throw out those shitty thoughts from time to time.

This is of course the more severe side of the scale. My day to day depression has me feeling almost manic at times. Where i can feel overly excited and energetic at times, i can also drop like a lead balloon, becoming sad and teary at 'nothing'. It's actually exhausting but again, i have developed little coping techniques that do help

The conflict comes in when i think about Daddy and a possible life with him.

I love him. More than anyone else i have been with, i want to spend the rest of my life with him. But is that fair? I've been told before that i am hard to be with. I believe his exact phrase was "your depression makes you hard to love" and that has stuck with me for years. Cause i feel that shit deep in my soul. I feel like i am hard to love and i know that my mental health makes everything harder, not just for me but for my partners. Can i ever be enough for him considering he likes to be social. He loves to go to gigs and is in a band, what happens if we are at a gig and i suddenly start to freak? I could ruin so much of his limited nights off. What if that makes him start to resent me or worse still hate me? I couldn't handle knowing i made him miserable when he makes me feel so unbelievably happy.

All i can do is hope that Daddy doesn't scare easy. So far he seems able to placate my demons so i just have to pray he continues to be able to handle me.

Oh fuck i really hope so!


  1. I have had similar experiences to u as a child and have found it very difficult to find someone who has not eventually found me too much as an adult. I think I have that person now and I hope u do too. Thank u for writing this
    May More

    1. I think i have too - He understands what i went through and he has experience of having a shitty parent so he never judges.

      Sorry you went through it too. Its horrible. Hugs xx

  2. I am an adult children of a dry drunk. I never know that what I was feeling was anxiety. And I know that it can be difficult to reset the mind. To stop thinking of ourselves negatively. I think you both always talk, keeping the lines of communication open would be helpful.
    Thank you for sharing and supporting SB4MH.

    1. Its a rule in our relationship that i always have to be open and he will always be supportive. Its just scary having this demon in the background waiting to ruin my happiness :(

  3. Thank you for being so open and sharing with #sb4mh. It is brutal when anxiety and depression work in tandem like a champion tag team.

    Someone who placates the demons is priceless, he sounds to be a very good foil against them.

    melody ��

    1. I think so ... I think i found my kinky knight in shining armour xx