Past, Present and Future

Aren't relationships funny things.

You meet a person who you perhaps didn't even know existed on the planet before and then you decide that this is the person you want to spend the most time with. It's very strange when you look at it objectively. But then who does?

No relationships are a lot more complex than just "I like you" - "I like you too, let's fuck". Emotions are involved. Outsiders get involved and then you all begin to get invested.

Even when a relationship ends, others that knew you as a couple feel the need to comment about the relationship. And for some reason inform you every time they "bump into" your ex.


This is the event that happened to me this morning when my aunt decided to "check in" with me. I'm happily going about minding my own business when she calls to see what I've been up to, how things are with the teen, with my relationship with Daddy and then she casually drops in that see bumped into the ex at the weekend.

"Fair enough - how's granny?"
"Yeah she's doing ok, he didn't know what to say to me"
"Oh right - and how's the boys getting on at school"
"Good, A has a new teacher now. He looked kinda sad"
"Awe did he like his old teacher?"
"No D looked sad"

Bitch take a fucking hint! I couldn't care less about him if his piss turned gold and a leprechaun climbed out his ass.

I understand that to her this is all weird - she is still with the first ever guy she entered into a relationship with and that's fair play, but when a relationship ends, especially in such a horrifically painful way, you don't need to know what the ex is up to. Unless he's at my property, I don't need to know what he's doing. And whatever conversations he has, even if they are about me, are not my business anymore.

But of course now she has brought him up, my "beautiful mind" (read "built in torture device") is thinking about him and making comparisons again. 

I don't like when this happens cause it makes me feel almost guilty towards Daddy. That's a very muddy puddle to go traipsing through and comparing him to my ex is highly unfair. But today it's different.

For example, I am typing in Costa. The place that I met Daddy for the first time. And I think back to when I was coming into town and Daddy told me to use the gift card I got him to get myself a coffee. I of course didn't cause I didn't think it right, even though he told me "what's mine is yours baby girl" and then I think of the time when I was short on getting milk and cheese for the dinner my ex asked for and I had to ask him for £2. Then next pay day he actually asked for the £2 back. Keeping in mind I was with my ex 6 years and he lived with me!

Yesterday daddy made me feel a little uncomfortable when discussing money. He told me that should I need help this month (as there is so much outgoing and business has been really slow) that all I had to do was ask. As nice as that is, it's like he just offered to pull his testicle sack out to shelter me from the rain - a bizarre thing to offer someone like me. And yet I've been thinking about it all night while working into the wee hours. That sounds like something a partner does. I think about my mum and my step dad. That's the shit they do! And further to another weird thing he suggested - that he buy me a cup I really want, just cause - That's the kinda stuff they do too.

Perhaps my past experience that I felt to be "normal" was in fact abnormal. 

When my brain fires out comparisons between the two, Daddy always comes out on top but it just magnifies how much shit I had actually put up with in the past and I'm glad that I know Daddy would never do that to me. He might not call me princess but he definitely treats me like one.

I've been in 2 serious relationships before. And where both of them were eerily similar from the get go, with Daddy it's completely different. I don't even know when to consider our relationship started. Technically I asked him to be mine in November but all through October it was all about us. We're only almost 4 months in and yet I view this as a very serious relationship. It's like Daddy is changing the rule book on me.

I've already broke so many rules with Daddy anyway so perhaps it's time to just say screw the rules, throw the book out completely and see where this takes us.

I know how I feel about Daddy. I'm reminded of it every time I tell him I love him. I always say weird little things when I talk to people. Like when I tell the teen I love him ("Wuv woo") is different to how I tell my mum ("Have I ever told you I love you" "still" "always"). I used to tell the ex "love you long time" and yet with Daddy I instinctively tell him I love him to the moon and stars. You know, the things up in space that go on and on longer than any possible life on earth can last?  

And I believe in my heart that's true. Even if he wakes up one day and thinks "nah this isn't for me", I know a part of me will forever love him till the day I die. He owns a special part of me and nothing will change that. So why not just go with the flow (at least as best as someone as anxious as me can do) and see where this relationship goes. Even if he does bail, I'll at least have a fantastic time with him till that day comes.

I just hope I never have to find out if anyone else can live up to him.

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