Deep in bubbles and contemplation

Morning from me.

I say morning as it's now 2.30am and I'm soaking in a lush bath as I'm actually too chicken shit to go to sleep.

I've had so many bad nightmares the last few days and I just don't want to have any more.  So instead I'm submerged in this tub watching TikTok videos cause I finally caved and downloaded the app. You will never see me make a video on it though so don't worry lol.

The reason I got the app was actually two fold ...

  1. During this shitty time when we are all in lock down, my anxiety worrying about family and our safety has skyrocketed. And I've been seeing so many little snips of people on therapeutic fields making little mindfulness and calming videos so I need to get all over that.
  2. I like to laugh. And I need it all the more just now which is where kids doing funny stuff and animals just enjoying life makes me feel so smiley. There is no worry about what's going on, these beautiful little creatures of both human and animal are just being their perfect selves and I love it!

Another thing I have found is celeb videos, namely one of my fave twins - Nikki Bella. She and her new beau are doing some kinda flip a switch thing which is funny as fuck when you consider she's preggers and when they switch he's rocking a wig and bump. It's brilliant.

But it's also making me think about her and her life.

Yes I am aware I don't know her, I am not one of those kinds of crazed fans that follows her every move - I'm just a fan of Total Divas and subsequently Total Bellas (the twins are my faves anyways) so I am aware of what's gone on in her life through the cameras. And I'm actually happy for her cause her life seems to be falling into place how she always wanted and I can't help but run the comparison of how mine is going.

She was with the man she loved but he never really gave her the same love back. Everything was always on his terms and she just went along with his weird rules to keep the peace as she was with the man she loved. She made all the compromises.

I get that! Painfully so.

This time last year (thanks to some FB memories) I can tell you that I was starting my 2nd course of conception vitamins, willing my battered body to bring me the baby I was finally allowed to have. Me and my partner were "happy". At least that's what the FB memory would have you believe. But inside I was crying cause I could feel the tensions between him and the teen starting to build again. It had been months of bliss but they had started to fight again and every time I stepped in to defend my boy, I would just get torn down. Realistically I look at that now with what the fuck eyes. Under no circumstances should I have been thinking about adding another kid to that mix, let alone actively trying. And I do believe that the fates stepped in there and those 6 months of trying were not supposed to happen. A month or so from now his ex would claw her way back into the picture and my life as I knew it would start to die. 

When he left I was devastated. Not cause I missed him or cause I still loved him. No when I found out he had been cheating, my heart completely hardened to him. Even now when he's mentioned in passing, I have zero interest. I've moved on, as cold as that might be considering how long we were together, but that's just me. At a certain point i run out of tears.

And like the fabulous Ms Bella - I have met someone new.

Not only that, I've met someone that seems to take actual joy in all parts of me. Even the weird shit that all my previous partners have tried to squash. He has seen me at my absolute worst, which bugs the living shit out of me. This is not how I would want a relationship to start but it's how we have started. And if I'm completely honest the way he acts, that can only be a good thing. He is more likely to leave me cause my mental health "makes me hard to love" than my strange fondness for dancing about the kitchen to 80s tunes while I cook. And yet he's seeing my shitty mental health actually tear me down and he's still there with me. Stopping me clawing at my skin cause it feels like it's tightening around my skull or trying to stop my whole body shaking when I'm so agitated I'm minutes from tears. He still loves me in my darkest times. Which makes me look forward to the days when I know I will be able to just breathe and be my weird happy self. Hell I bet hell even dance with me.

One way though that I don't think my life will follow suit is marriage and babies. I think my chance for that has gone and Daddy isn't really one for conformity so I don't see it ever happening.

I'm lying here asking myself though if I'm OK with that or am I compromising again. And you know what, I genuinely am OK with it. 

I don't know that I would like another kid. I've done the single parent thing and it's hard as fuck. Yes I know he would be there to help when he could but it's not like he lives near by and that won't change for a long time so by the time it does, I'll be getting ready to shut shop anyway. I'm not young anymore, as the teen seems insistent on telling me. I had him when I was 19, almost 20. I worked 2 jobs right up until a week until he decided to pop and was back working nights, 10 days after he was born. I could never manage that again. I lived on coffee and fumes. Now I live on caffeine and anxiety. Daddy works like a damn animal and I'm seriously impressed with how he manages, asking for him to add more pressure to his life is just insane and not fair at all! I have a gobby teen here - and if I get really broody, I'll get a pet. I've always wanted a turtle - maybe one day!

No I'm not compromising things like that with Daddy. In fact the only compromise I have to make is that when he visits I have to let him go home when the dreaded time comes. Unfortunately kidnapping laws exist and as much as I would take care of him and keep him well supplied with food, coffee and cum - his job is an important one, especially now with the UK in lock down so I can't be selfish (though I really really struggle not to be).

I'd like to think that Daddy is my happily ever after. I love him in ways I never thought possible and he makes my demons smile. That isn't something to be sniffed at! But i am realistic and at some point he might change his mind, so until then, i will just enjoy how much i love him and how much be loves and adores me.

The future is tomorrow, i'm happy right now!

No comments