The sad little sub

I've been in a really weird place mentally these past couple of weeks.

Usually I would just chalk it up to a bad mental health spell but those usually only last a day or two without an obvious trigger. I'm not sure why I feel like this but we're rounding out the second week and I'm starting to worry.

A check in with my GP has made him worry enough to give me another fun course of Diasapam cause even he knows this isn't headed anywhere good. I use the term "fun" sarcastically by the way.  I actually hate having to take medication to be able to do what everyone else seems to find so normal, and that's another indication I'm not in a good place. Usually I just take my meds as I have for years but just now it's adding to my frustrations.

Simple things like leaving the house others can do automatically but I really struggle with it. Going to the shop for milk? That's a task I have to really talk myself up to when I feel like this, and going into town? No chance. I had to pull my shit together long enough to attend an appointment yesterday and I ended up losing it cause the offices were too warm, there was too many people, an alarm went off - it was sensory overload and I just went into an anxiety attack. I'm beyond grateful it didn't go into a panic attack but that's the only thing I was happy with myself for. I was mortified I freaked out and it's worse that so many people saw. I'm actually hating myself for doing that!

I'm my own worst critic and I am aware of this but I can't help feeling completely useless these last few weeks and I feel like even that is starting to infect Daddy.

I committed a major faux pas with him the day after valentines. I was in a pissy mood as I didn't get to see him on our first valentines day, plus I was hormonal due to shark week so everything was just magnified and at the time I was trying my stupid experiment of not telling Daddy when I was feeling sad so he didn't worry - so when I was a brat and he quite rightly tried to correct it, I just lost it. I ended up saying he was being an ass hole and flipping him off ... epic fuck up.

Anyways, it's been almost a month and because of one issue or another he hasn't been able to punish me as he likes, which had made me feel kinda off as a sub. One thing I kinda like doing is being a brat to elicit a reaction, but because this huge punishment was still pending every other punishment just kept getting added to that tab and it was beginning to make me anxious. After talking with Daddy it turns out it was pissing him off too but he was right in what he was saying. We hadn't really had a chance as the teen has been here on the only times he could come down. And out of respect for him, Daddy wouldn't do anything like that were he could hear and be annoyed. But that also left him feeling like a bad Daddy.

It drives me absolutely mental when he calls himself a bad Daddy cause to me that's the furthest from the truth, and he had been feeling it for so long without telling me that I felt horrible. What kinda shitty baby girl or even girlfriend was I to not even know how bad my man was feeling? And I had no realistic way to help that either. I can't make his day better when he comes home from work cause we don't share a home. I can't cuddle into him at night to fall asleep together (something we both find relaxing) cause his bed is 40 odd miles away from me.

For the foreseeable future this is gonna be a long distance relationship which brings with it so many extra complications. I am beyond grateful that Daddy comes an hour out of his way to come see me, even after a busy days work, so when I start to feel shitty that he's having to go, this little voice tells me I'm being ungrateful and that it's shitty for him that I ruin our time by being sad. I can't help it though, cause I hate when he leaves. And i love that I speak to him everyday (most days voice call with the odd video call in there) but it's hard to know that that's all I can get for a while. Even being alone as a couple is hard cause I'm a single parent. That always comes first and he's so cool with that, but when you're on a limited time frame it just adds to the frustrations.

Shark week has rolled around again and this month it feels like I'm dealing with a great white rather than my usual thresher shark whipping my womb about. So I am aware I'm hormonal on top of my MH but the constant anxiety is doing my head in. The littlest things are setting me off and I'm so scared that it's gonna come across in the wrong way to him.

Its hard enough trying to work out what's happening in my own mind without having to try and put it into words for others to try and understand. Plus I feel like all he gets since we got together is a sad baby girl which so unfair to him.

I'm gonna have to try and keep it together when he leaves tomorrow night too ... I have no other choice though cause the alternative isn't an option for me. I'd rather see him and be unbelievably happy for a few hours then go back to feeling alone when he leaves, than not see him at all and be even more miserable.

Fuck this sucks so bad.

No comments