To forgive is divine, to forget is impossible

“To err is human, to forgive divine“. - Alexander Pope

Its kinda funny that the prompt for the 4 thoughts or fiction would be forgive and forget, as I have been thinking a lot about that very topic.

This week I will be a year separated from my ex and thanks to the joys of social media, I am getting little reminders daily. Not specifically of the fact that he was gonna leave - cause I didn’t know, not specifically of the fact that he was cheating on me - cause that blindsided me too. But there are memories about how I spent the day at grans – Which is where I went to talk over this weird feeling, I had that something was wrong. Pictures from our last “family days out” where he was on his phone the whole time, and now I know why. I cant ever forget the pain that he caused as it changed me and the way I view the world. I am very much the product of my life experiences, good or bad, and I cant forget them, no matter how nicer it might be,

Its been a bit of a hard year. I lost the life I spent years building, I lost family that I cant ever replace and I've shed enough tears I could drown a hobbit. But I have also gained so much. I have reconnected with some family members, I have realised just how bad-ass I actually am, and I have met a man who is so amazing, so in love with me, that its hard to be without him.

So I have decided that I am going to give myself the closure I think I need. I want to let go of that last bit of hurt that’s poisoning my soul and finally be free. I never got a chance to say goodbye cause I slammed that door shut. Now I think it’s time.

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Dear D,

I’m not going to lie and say that you were not an important part of my life. I gave you almost 6 years which included you being part of a family who loved you. Who supported you and who helped you achieve your goals in life. I was there for some of the best moments in your life and I was there through some of your worst. I had your back no matter what and even when others demanded I call you on your bullshit, I still stuck by you. You were my partner and you were a father to my son. Those are memories locked inside my mind and heart even though threw us away.

I cant ever forget the pain that you caused us. It has become battle scars on my soul. You cut me deep that night when you said you didn't love me anymore. You made me realise I was living a lie and that our family wasn't real. You broke my mind when you called me stupid for telling you I felt like I was losing you. You gas-lit me right to the very end and shattered my confidence. I couldn't understand why my best wasn't good enough for you when I tired so hard to make you happy. I was so supportive of you getting to finally meet your child after over a decade. I was giving you the “space” you needed to deal with your “crazy” ex, not realising you were using that space to start a relationship with her on the side. You showed me up to be a fool and for that I can never forgive myself. 

But I do forgive you.

I forgive you for killing part of me that night. As cliché as it is, I have grown stronger. Perhaps not all for the better, but you changed me when you crushed my heart so easy. Your callous actions left us in tears but from that we have grown, and we are better. 

M has such confidence now that he’s not hiding from your temper. You showed me what a man shouldn’t be and from that I can shape M into the man you knew he should be. One who was better than you. You were right when you said he should push to be better than you, I just didn’t realise how low you set the bar. He saw the damage you did to his mum and he himself has said he could never be so cold and cruel. You gave him a life lesson that he will never forget. And unfortunately, a view on fatherhood that he might never recover from. But I’ll see him right. I’ll surround him with the strong men in our family who will help keep him right. Who will help him see what a man should be. He will be fine cause I won’t allow anything less.

In this year I have also realised that my best is good enough, its just that you didn’t deserve my everything. Its not my fault that you cheated. That was your choice. Wither it was the best thing for you to do is not my business anymore. You wanted to leave, you did so in the most selfish way possible and that’s it. The door is forever closed to you and as far as I’m concerned you are just part of the old life I once lived. I don’t go back. I wont ever forget but I do forgive you.

I forgive you D cause you leaving, opened the path for me to find something special. I have found the one who deserves me. The one who doesn't pull away from me to "teach me a lesson". I have found the one I can be myself with in ways you never got to know me. I have found the love that they sing about in songs, that they write about in poems, that they warn you about in Sunday school. Because of you, I have managed to find my unicorn and he loves me for all the parts you tried hard to push out. He enjoys all my weird ways and for what once made you call me a “psycho” excites him no end. I have finally found a man that wants to protect me and make my life better, not use me or my family for what we can do for him. And that was only possible because you made the choices you did.

I will always have the damage you left, the “what if it happens again”, the “am I enough” – But unlike you he has the patience of a saint and is able and willing to show me that real men cant fall asleep listening to their partners sob themselves to sleep. They don’t throw tantrums when they don’t get their own way and they don’t crush the ones who love them like a child does to insects. He respects me in the 6 months we have been together than you did in the years we spent as a couple. I see that now and it was perhaps my fault. I let you away with more than I realised. I will carry those memories forever but I will no longer punish myself for it. You were not a mistake. I don't regret our life together. Its a lesson that I learned. But you no longer are in my heart, you are just another scar on the surface.

Lastly, I want to say goodbye to you. I will never find out why you did all those things, and to be honest with you I really don't care. Knowing why doesn't change anything. My D is no more and that's that. You know I don't go back. I don’t wish any ill will to you or her, and I hope you get the happiness you deserve. Whatever that will be is between you and Karma. That, like you, are no longer my business, or my problem.

Yours no longer.




  1. This is a brilliant post - and I really hope it helps you move on and liberates you in some way. Hindsight is odd - and you are right the choice that person made steered your life in a new direction and I wish you soo much good karma on your journey.
    TY for linking up to the first of the new format 4thoughts_fiction (and it works well for sb4mh too)
    May More x

    1. Its been a couple of days since i wrote this and you know what, it has actually helped.

      The 11th was the one year mark and instead of feeling uncomfortable about the memories, the teen and I had a long conversation about how much fun life is now and about how we are happier.

      He expressed that he prefers Daddy over the ex (obviously using his real name) so right away I know we are on the right path.

      Thanks for hosting the linkie - and i love the new page xx

  2. How strong you are, I know the progress you have made will equip you to keep going forwards and do the best by your son.

    1. Its a weight off actually letting my resentment go. There is no point in looking back all the time, that's not the direction I am going in xx

  3. You are truly a stronger person than I think I could be. Thanks for sharing! xoxo

  4. This must have felt so cathartic! You seem to have learned a lot of valuable lessons...about yourself and about your son and how you want to raise him. But I do have one question - you say you forgive him, but you can not forgive yourself? I think you deserve forgiveness first. Forgiving yourself can be hard, but it will have even more impact.

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