A lot of people struggle with that kind of friendship. Where they feel they are interrupted all the time and they don’t feel heard, but I grew up like that. My sister is remarkably similar and that’s OK. Some people are like that and I know that she will work her way back round to the topic to get the second part of the answer at some point. I am able to keep up with her train of thought pretty well and I know it’s not out of badness, its out of having to say so much in a short period of time. Her brain, like mine goes a mile a minute but where the bestie will have 8 topics in one conversation, I just internally have like 8 conversations at once. Its just how it is and so long as I can keep that mask up, she will continue on and vent as she needs, or talk about whatever is on her mind.

While I can keep up, it is quite exhausting and that mask gets slippery when she asks the heavy questions. I think that’s why I like blogging so much. It’s like a chance for me to get some things out of my head and express myself in a way I’m not always able to. 

For the most part I don’t write for anyone but myself. When I sit with my laptop and type, it’s almost like I am having a conversation with myself. I drink my tea, listen to my music, and open my brain. It helps more than I realise when it comes to my mental health too, and the fact that some people can read what I write and interact with me about it, can often give me more of an insight to my feelings. Really its like free therapy at this point. But it works for me. Some other posts, like my “lets chat about”, are like conversations with a friend. They are kinda advice, kinda tips and lots of “dude, we’ve all been there. It’s all good”. I don’t have a friend like that in real life, so I write as if I am having a conversation with the friend, I wish I had.

Its not unlike keeping a journal in some respects. Except that my journal is strictly my eyes only. There are things in life that no one needs to know, that’s where my journal comes in ... and that bitch can keep a secret. I have kept a journal for years, sometimes there is a digital appendix on the go too where I can more securely write about my thoughts and feelings, but one way or another they all get out of my head. Its awful messy in there so I need to make as much room as possible.

I also find with the likes of blogging and keeping a journal I don’t have to wear that mask. Its exhausting having to put on a happy face all the time, but I know that if I wear that mask, it makes people relax and leave me alone. People expect you to smile so you may as well give them what they want. It’s not the healthiest way to deal with things I am aware, but life has taught me well that you are safer if the people around you smile. I am very much a creature of habit and that mask is a hard habit to break.

I do try though, at least with Daddy. He doesn’t like when I just smile, nod, and agree. It actually winds him up when I give my default smile. It is troublesome at times for me as its automatic at this point but I am trying not to do it so much with him. If I slip up, I do acknowledge and apologise. He has threatened punishment if I did it again, but I think that was more to try and help me stop. I don’t think he would ever punish me for a coping technique and the fact that I have had to correct myself a few times with him and he still hasn’t punished me further back this. Yes, he’s my Dom but he’s my partner and he gets that it’s not easy, but I am trying. He’s not an ass hole, no matter what hormonal pissed off me perhaps said a while back (and yes, I still cringe!).

Blogging helps me express myself without fear of causing argument. I can be myself without judgement and I can get all this stuff out my head and off my chest without having to put on my happy front. I guess that’s a bonus to being behind a keyboard. While some use it to troll and be a tosser, I used it for therapy. 

To get shit out and so I can have someone to talk to, even if it is mostly myself.