Mental wrecking ball

I’m actually really worried I might be bipolar.

This last month I have been swinging from mood to mood so violently that I am giving myself whip lash. I feel like one moment I am fine, then the next, I am so low that I think seriously horrible shit and just wanna cry. Not long after I am hyper as fuck. It’s not like I am ecstatically happy or anything but it’s like I cant sit still. Like all the energy that the depression zapped suddenly comes flooding back and I’m jumpy for ages after.

I have had moments like that before. Its been pointed out to me before that I can often go from nought to sixty in a second. Chilled one minute or talking normal and then the next I’m talking a mile a minute and I’m physically shaking. Me, I don’t notice until it’s pointed out and then I have to really force myself to calm down. Not easy. But those moments were few and far between. Now I feel like its all the time, to the point I can actually see the switch.

Like yesterday for example.

On Saturday, Daddy was going to have a boy’s night of sorts. A good idea as he works like an animal and really needs some down time. This does mean that I wont really get many replies to messages though. That’s cool, I get it. I get irritated as fuck when I’m with someone and they are on their phone all the time so I’m not gonna expect someone else to be cool with that for me. Daddy had mentioned that since it was going to be Father’s Day (a day I usually find upsetting) that perhaps I could do something for him as a kind of “Daddy’s day”. I was all good with that and if you follow me on twitter you will have seen the messages with my excitement of doing something special for him. I needed something to keep my brain busy so I didn’t miss him as much as I always do – a stupid endeavour that never works cause he’s always on my mind, but I can only try. I had a good think, what could I do to make him smile and then it hit me. The ultimate challenge. 

CoffeeThis challenge was set out just when lock down hit which meant that not only was my mental health really shitty, but I had a 13-year-old bugging the ever loving fuck out of me 24/7. The challenge consisted of 20 videos in different scenarios that must be both 5 minutes minimum and have 20 minutes apart. I managed 6 before my brain went “actually fuck this” and I stopped being able to orgasm. After that the ultimate challenge was like the slutty elephant in the room, I knew it was there, but it made me feel too uncomfortable to address.

I was looking for a distraction though and that would do. I sat with my morning coffee outside and planned out every last detail. Marked out time scales to when each video needed to be filmed, what toys to use when and what I could do that was special for the "dress up one". I ran that shit with military precision, each video choreographed in my head. I was not gonna fail. And I didn’t. 

I managed all 20 videos. Plus I managed to catch up on some of this month’s challenge too – 30 JOI videos for “jerk off June”. This one is becoming a bit of an issue for me as I’m not feeling very confident with it but I will persevere. Anyway … I got the videos completed and edited the last of them in time to upload into our special folder. I felt accomplished and tender as fuck. I struggled to fall asleep as I was so wired and uncomfortable, but I eventually fell asleep around 4am.

I woke up late yesterday, but I could feel something wasn’t right. I put it down to I was missing Daddy and when I seen I had my good morning message – I actually love waking up to that so much, I felt a little better. Daddy was thinking of me and he was awake so we could talk. He could tell me about his night, and I could share his present with him. When he said he would have a look later, my mood just plummeted. I know he had no idea what I did so therefore didn’t know just how much work went into that folder, but it felt like a dismissal of something he actually asked for – Something for Daddy’s day. I burst into tears. Not a normal reaction. I said something like “OK daddy” and then threw my phone across the room. Not something I ever do. I wanted to delete the whole thing as I felt like I was being too much with making 20 videos and that he would be like WTF. Would never happen – he set the challenge and he loves seeing videos of me, but my mind convinced me that it would blow up in my head big-time. I couldn’t just delete all that work though, for 2 reasons.

  1. Daddy would be so fucking pissed off at me, and I already made him so angry this week that the idea of disappointing him again would actually break my heart – I will say here he has never and would never use that word as it’s a huge trigger when people say that to me but I felt it that night. I felt it in my soul that I had disappointed him, wither he felt it or was willing to admit it. I knew.

  2. You have no idea how much work actually goes into a challenge like that. Its not as simple as just film 20 videos, especially in lock down. 

I film them with my phone, which has limited space so after every 2 or 3 videos it restricts function till I remove some files. I have to edit every video as there is a beginning bit where I try to set up the camera, usually due to a weird angle that physics and gravity doesn’t like. Occasionally the camera will fall so I have to redo the whole bloody thing. The teen might be making noise and throw me off, so I can’t cum as mum mode switches on automatically. If I get a phone call the filming stops and then since I was playing, I have to compose myself before I can call them back. Depending on who it is I might not be able to get back into a sexy mood quickly so have to maybe watch porn, or the video he made me of him playing to get back into the mood. Half way through the day, I was almost spent and was really struggling to keep my eyes open, let alone cum. I drank so much coffee to keep me going that I was giving myself a headache. And that’s all before I attempt to upload them to our folder which takes so long – a nightmare when I need them to upload before I could make more. I ended up having to send them via Bluetooth to my laptop to upload that way so I could delete from my phone and continue.

Like I said, there is a lot of work that goes into them, so when he said he would look and see what I done later, rather than even just looking to see what it was, not even watching any, it felt like a slap in the face. Except … He didn’t. He had no idea what I done. He was just up and was getting ready to go to a standing appointment so what the fuck was my problem? What was the big deal that he would see it later? Its not like he said he couldn’t be fucked looking or he didn’t care. He was busy, and I know on Sundays what he does so why was I reacting so intensely? 

I retrieved my phone from the floor and went down to make a cup of tea, bursting into tears sporadically till I was getting frustrated with myself. I was still sore so I figured I would take my tea and go for a muscle relax soak in the tub. When he called, as he usually does on a Sunday, I was obviously a bit Hmmm on the phone and he questioned me about it. He didn’t realise what I had done and couldn’t apologise enough. For which he had no need to. And said he would check right away. Again, he didn’t need to. I made him feel bad. And that made me feel worse. Cause I couldn’t just be patient and keep my shit together I made him feel shitty and I hate myself for that.

I always make him feel shitty. When I bring up something that’s bothering me which he could fix, he starts to say he feels like a bad Daddy cause he knows he should have been doing something or he says he knows hes been "crappy". So I feel bad that I've made him feel so horrible. I'm perhaps being difficult for no reason but I'm trying to find ways to cope with this all better, especially just now. 

Like the distance. 

He cant fix that just now, or possibly any time in the near future and I have to come to terms with that. I had a good long think one night after a talk we had about the issues surrounding us living together and I had to decide what was more important to me. What could I comfortably live with and what was the limit I was willing to compromise? All paths lead down the same road – I want him, and I refuse point blank to give him up so I’m gonna make it work. To make it work though I need more input from him. I make chatty videos as well as naughty ones for him. I send him pictures of what I do during the day to involve him in my life as much as I can, and I try to make him feel included. But it is definitely one sided. He can’t involve me visually in his day. His job requires him to be discrete and I know this. And since he works so much there are many times i have to just shut my mouth and be patient. He cant be on his phone all the time. H cant just randomly send me a selfie and he hates video calls so the odd one or two I get I should be grateful for. But when I’m finding myself having to ask him on his days off or when I know he’s free to send me a picture of his face so I can see him, it starts to feel like I’m begging. And not in a fun way. 

I’ve felt like a shitty sub and girlfriend for a few months now. But Saturday I felt so proud of myself, so accomplished that when I didn’t get the response, I think I was expecting I was like what is the actual point in being me. Not a normal reaction. Which just made me start to question everything. I am so fucking lonely that it hurts. I cant turn to my bestie as she doesn't really listen so I have gave up on that and since my gran passed in December I am pretty much alone with myself. I had started toying with the idea of just talking out loud as if i was talking to her but that felt too much for me so i had to stop. Pretty sure i'm already a month or so away from being sectioned, I don't wanna help the process along any. And because i feel like its all one sided just now, that Daddy is just a voice on the other end of the phone, its making me struggle to open up. When he is here i can tell him anything and everything but I'm not feeling as relaxed when I'm on the phone for whatever reason.

Yesterday I was on an emotional roller coaster and I just wanted off. I was uncomfortable from all the coffee and cum. I was pissed off at myself cause once again I made my amazing daddy who tries so hard, feel shitty about himself and I was in this weird rut which was making my mind go loopy as fuck. I actually had to stop, sit on my floor, and work out what the fuck was happening cause it was almost like I was having a break down. I wondered if I had given myself accidental sub drop but magnified it somehow. My head was pounding and all I wanted was Daddy. I just wanted a cuddle and to be told I wasn’t a fuck up or going mad by the only person on the planet I might actually believe. I felt like I was grieving for something. 

Fighting hard to stop crying in case I burst a blood vessel in my brain. I sat there for what might have been 10 minutes. Then I got up and went to get an orange. I shit you not, that was my next move. Not feeling sad, not feeling anything. Like my emotions had just shut off completely. That is not normal!!

I’ve experienced that a few times now. At first, I didn’t like it as it isn’t a pleasant feeling. Its not any feeling if I’m honest, its just nothingness. Like I have died, and my body is still walking about. As much as that might sound like an overreaction, I am quite an empathetic person so to just stop feeling is quite a shock to the system. I go into auto pilot when that happens. It’s the only thing I can think to do. Hence the orange. That is my 'little space' snack of choice. No idea why but it is, and when I sit with my orange, wrapped in my blanket, I feel happy and safe. So, when I just shut down, I go get an orange and wrap my blanket around me while I eat it, waiting for any kind of emotion to return. It’s not a nice feeling and I am genuinely scared that this is going to become “normal” for me. 

I eventually started to feel again - It’s similar to the feeling of waking up after a long sleep. You start to become aware of things slowly, till your fully “awake” - And I went about my evening. Tidied my room, sorting my drawing supplies. I blocked the creepy guys on Twitter who think DM’s are a gateway to pussy, and discovered a much-loved TV show is now on Netflix. I started to feel “meh” again and smoked my emergency cigs to try and calm myself down. On my way back upstairs, I grabbed another orange. I felt like I needed some little time again. I made Daddy a mini chatty video coincidentally giving him into trouble feeling stupid – an emotion I once again brought on. 

I’m actually becoming a horrible person now on top of a shitty sub/girlfriend cause I seem to always make him feel bad. I try so hard to make him happy, but I fail so epically that I’m terrified he’s gonna end up telling me to fuck off. I would have by now. I was starting to panic internally again, till my phone pinged and he send me a 2 minute 20 second video just talking to me and I instantly felt this relaxation. Like my body got a hit of dopamine so quick it almost made me feel giddy. I was so happy that I decided to reach for my new favourite toy – a strange move after 40 plus orgasms the day before but Daddy was joining in and I needed that. He had to get some sleep as hes working tomorrow but I wanted more. I was pushing the boundaries of what I could cope with again – a move that once got me on an anal ban after damaging myself. I was almost manic to the point that my body just couldn’t keep up. 

I woke up fuck knows how long afterwards.

I was making Daddy a video which kept filming after I passed out - till about 8 minutes, where I assume my phone died as when I woke up in a pool of cum, my phone was dead. I don’t remember passing out. I barely remember cumming. But I have a very creepy video of it happening and that like the rest of my life just not, is not a normal reaction.

At some point I may have to address this as I’m not sure how much longer I can blame Lock-down for my extra weirdness.

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