I’m fucked today.

I had a full-blown panic attack in the early hours of this morning and now I’m in that horrible emotionally hungover phase.

I have no idea what triggered it. I know what probably brought it on. I’m not happy just now. Between being unwell the last few days, fighting with the teen over everything, missing my family, dealing with guilt over being a bad friend and missing Daddy .... I understand how it happened but the why? Why at that exact point? I have no clue.

I was watching TV. Good mythical morning to be precise and I was already feeling dizzy cause I was unwell. But suddenly I couldn’t breathe and then my heart started racing to the point I could actually feel it in my eyes and then boom. I spent the next however long it lasted screaming and crying into my pillow so as not to wake anyone, while trying and failing to calm myself down in case this was the one that was gonna end me. Images of the teen coming through in the morning to ask if he could go on his Xbox and finding his mum dead flooded my brain, which I can assure you does nothing to help trying to calm down.

It’s so hard trying to get control of a panic attack. I have never been able to do it myself. On the one occasion I embarrassingly had a panic attack in front of Daddy, he knew what to do and was able to calm me down. But alone with my demons, it’s hard to get my breathing level when I’m sobbing uncontrollably and feeling like I’m suffocating at the same time. Many people, who have never experienced a panic attack, are like 'well stop crying and you will breathe easier'. Yeah, that makes complete sense – except that during a panic attack, at least for me, I am not in control of any part of my body. The violent shaking? The tears? My blood running cold? I’m not doing that. My brain is going rogue, my body is going haywire and in just getting dragged along for the ride.

I don’t know when it ended, as I didn’t notice the time when it started. But I know I cried myself to sleep this morning. Feeling deflated and full of loathing. I hate myself so much just now. I hate that my brain can’t just be “normal". I hate that once again my demons kicked my ass. I hate that I’m not as strong as I want to be.

Today I feel hungover which always happens post panic attack. My whole body is aching as my muscles recover from the constant spasms last night. Once again, I have a shitty headache and I just had to go wash the blood off my lips and out of my mouth as my jaw clenching and teeth grinding as I tried to stop screaming has fucked with my loose tooth and irritated my gums. My voice is softer today as my throat is raw and my face is puffy cause all the tears. I look like I feel – horrible. And the really shitty thing is as I’m typing this I’m crying again and I have no idea why other than I’m seriously damaged as a person. I’m gonna be teary all day as if the residual emotions are draining from my eyes. It all just makes me feel so weak, emotionally, physically and mentally.

I have no idea if I’m gonna have another panic attack today or not. Unfortunately, my demons aren’t kind enough to give me a schedule of their torture. So, I’m not leaving this bed where possible today. I don’t actually care what the teen does or doesn’t do. I can’t focus on much more than surviving today.

Fuck I really hate myself.