You're such a brat!

TW - Abuse

My sleep pattern is all fucked up just now. Between my brain going on an emotional bender and my abdomen playing Bop-it, I spend most of the night in the fetal position thinking about life.

Last night was no different and the concept of my bratty behaviour came to mind.

Why am I a brat with Daddy?

It would be easy to say it’s because I enjoy it. Which I do. There is something so fun about gently pushing his buttons till be pounces and I get “punished”. Its not a real punishment as much as I get thrown over and spanked. Which I like. Or he grabs me by the throat, and I get that tingly feeling before we get naughty. Which I love. 

I think, as much as he might say he doesn't appreciate the bratty behaviour that he actually does. There are times when he has openly goaded me into my bratty self so he can punish me, so really how bad a brat can I be?

I think it goes a little deeper than that though. Which when I really dissect it, makes perfect sense.

It’s because I’m safe.

Now here is where that trigger warning at the top comes in.

Cards on the table, I have been subjected to abusive behaviours by an upsetting number of men in my lifetime. I have instances that I will never discuss, and I have some that others know about and/or have witnessed. Always by men and always one way or another made out to be my fault.

Because of that I don’t like confrontation. 

Yes if a woman gets up in my face, I have no problems taking her down, but if a man does it, I get triggered and will instantly go into fight or flight mode so quick. My mind had been conditioned to believe I’m about to get attacked, so I can either run like fuck or try and fight. In the past I always ended up hurt when I stood my ground, so now I just run. Its not even specifically if a man is up in my face either. When my ex used to play the PS4 and lost, he would throw the controller on the floor and start screaming at the TV. I would have to leave the room, or I would have a total melt down. I wasn't the subject of his anger but it made me panic to the point i had to leave the room and would often instantly cry as soon as i was "safe". That shit is deep rooted. Like I said, I don’t deal well with confrontation.

Yet you could argue that being a brat, at least the way I do it, is highly confrontational. I know that in the past if I walked back to an ex like that I would get seriously hurt. Even talking back to my “father” like I sometimes to Daddy would be dangerous. So why do I do that to him?

I think it’s because I know I can.

I know that no matter how bratty I get with him or how much I talk back; I am always 100% safe. Yes, I risk punishment and even the proper punishments that I don’t like, I’m still always safe. I know that I could be the biggest brattiest bitch ever and the worst that would happen to me physically is I would get spanked or made to go in a stress position. I’m not gonna ever have to worry about him attacking me for my cheek and there is so much freedom that comes with that.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a horrible sub. I know the limits and I respect Daddy too much to be a full-on unfiltered brat. All he has to do is give me that look or say, “excuse me” and I’m instant putty in his hands, but the sentiment still stands. With Daddy I am comfortable to let a part of myself out that I can’t ever do in front of anyone else cause I know that he will always protect me.

That in and of itself tells me he's a keeper.

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