Feeling Lonely

Yesterday was a hard day.

If you don’t follow me on Twitter, I had a stressful shopping trip which culminated in an anxiety attack, tears and my brain goblin going on a triples shopping trip. I managed to get home safe, where I had a full blown wobbler, crying on the floor for almost an hour.

The rest of the night was spent getting over the physical side effects of my anxiety; The drastic body temp drop, the headaches, the shakes, the stomach ache that makes me think I’m gonna vomit. It’s not pleasant.

And it’s now almost 3am and I’m not able to sleep, even though my body and mind are exhausted. Which is throwing up some strange thoughts.

I’m lying here thinking about polyamorous relationships.

Daddy used to be in a poly relationship and from what I understand it meant that he was free to sleep with other people as was his partner. I see lots of people online talking about their poly relationships and it seems to be quite a popular dynamic these days. While I have no interest in sharing Daddy with anyone and no interest in having sex with other people, I can see how it could be beneficial.

For example, Daddy and I are long distance. I see him once a week (if I’m lucky I get an overnight) and it’s awesome. But I seriously miss him. And I feel so lonely these days as my mental health feels like it’s getting worse, so on nights like this it would be awesome to have him here to cuddle into, to possibly cry with (I struggle to do that in front of anyone but him) and to make me feel safe, when my brain goblins are making me feel so on edge.

If I was in a poly relationship, perhaps I could have an arrangement where I have someone like a support buddy. Where I can get cuddles and affection, and after a while hopefully built up enough trust that I can fall asleep feeling safe.

Is that a thing? A support animal is a thing, so can a support buddy be a thing? Like a fill in for Daddy when he can’t be here ... One who likes cuddling up watching true crime, horror movies and supernatural while eating snacks and wearing fluffy onesies. They can have sex with whoever they want – that’s their business but they are still allowed to come over to mine and help give me the physical affection that I so badly miss right now.

I know it would be a poor substitute for Daddy though. I know that what I’m craving right now is to be in my nook, safe and happy, running my fingers across his chest as he strokes my hair and kisses my forehead. I want that so bad it’s actually making my eyes water thinking about it. But I can’t have Daddy just now.

I know the reality of what I’m saying makes no sense. And that that’s not the purpose of a poly relationship but it’s a struggle when I know I can’t live with Daddy any time soon and I feel really sad about that. I’m lonely and I just think having someone to give me comfort and affection, when he’s not here to physically give me it might make me feel less alone. Then again letting someone in like that is so hard for me that it’s not really worth their time if I’m not offering any of the naughty that goes with it.

Ugh I just feel so shitty and sad tonight. I just want my Daddy. I’m feeling so damn needy and I need him to make me feel safe and loved. I need his arms around me, his lips on mine and him to silence my goblins so I can get some rest.

I need my Daddy.

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