Mind Fuck

I’ve been feeling really down of late and it’s safe to say it’s completely fucked with my sex drive.

I used to have a really high sex drive that could see me knocking one out so to speak multiple times a day. Once I got started, I could go for hours. It was awesome.

When Daddy and I first got together it was so amazing to have met someone who could keep up. He could make me moan for hours and I could go again and again till one of us, usually me, passed out. It was so much fun and I felt like I had finally met my match.

Then lock down happened and we weren’t able to really get into our D/s dynamic. When we could see each other again, sex was still great but it had to be sneaky and quiet as the teen was in the next room. We couldn’t get into our dynamic like we could before and it started to really grate on me. I felt like I was losing the BDSM element to my relationship and as my mental health deteriorate further, even my solo submission to him started to dwindle. I started to feel less like the rampant sex bunny he fell in love with in the beginning and more like an old hare who was just ‘there’.

When we are together and we have sex, it is still amazing. The last time he was here he had me in happy tears as it was so intense my eyes just burst due to the pleasure. But when him try to get myself into the mood on my own, I just can’t seem to find the motivation.

I have failed another challenge and due to this Daddy has decided I won’t be doing challenges anymore. I don’t know how I feel about that. I know I’m unbelievably pissed off at myself for failing yet again. I am angry at myself that I can’t just get my head right and make a stupid little video for him. Like why is that so difficult? Like he says “it’s just filming a wank” ... which is true ... except that I haven’t touched myself solo since the beginning of the month and that was purely as I knew I had to do a video. Did I have fun? Yes. But if there wasn’t a challenge I wouldn’t have bothered.

So I guess it’s probably A good thing there won’t be any more challenges as it’s like one less thing I have to remember to do, but at the same time, other than the honorifics, we have little to no part of our BDSM life left. Even if I get into my groove, we can’t let go as the teen will be home from school at some point, or due to working like an animal, Daddy is in severe pain so I’m terrified I’m gonna hurt him.

I’m losing the things that I enjoy so fast these days and I hate to think that BDSM is gonna become one of them. My stupid brain goblins are destroying what makes me, me ... and its terrifying.

No comments