I will be discussing rape in a fantasy setting. I will also be using the references of Dom and sub in my explanation as that is my dynamic however you don’t have to be in the BDSM lifestyle to participate in CNC. So long as you follow the rules, it doesn’t matter the dynamic.

Ok, so let’s get into it, so to speak.

CNC is all about giving permission (consenting) to an act that to most seems taboo. Every part of the scene has been discussed and agreed to prior to starting and, at all times, the Dom must adhere to a safe word. If the safe word is used, the scene stops. At its core it is just like any other agreed upon sex act. It's only in the details can it get a bit taboo.

CNC is also called rape play, and like the name suggest, it can get quite aggressive. I agree rape isn’t something that should be joked about or taken lightly, but CNC isn’t about wanting to violently assault your partner. It's about the control.

For the Dom, it's more intense control of their sub, and for the sub it’s a way to be controlled and perhaps challenge that control to an intense level. Like I said though, it all stops when the safe word is said and THAT is what makes it wildly different. No one who participates in CNC wants to get attacked or to attack someone, it’s not about that. It’s a controlled aggressive act, as weird as that sounds.

How can it possibly be controlled? 

In the same way that every other scene is. Trust is a huge part of any scene, but I would say more so with CNC. For example, I have been with Daddy over a year, and we both would like to do a CNC scene. I know that in the scene it will get nasty. To anyone looking in, it would look like a violent sexual assault is happening, however I have the trust in Daddy that no matter how into it he gets, he will pull back should I need him to, and he will stop immediately when I use the safe word. We have that connection that he can read my body and my reactions, even in our more aggressive play where he knows what I can and cannot tolerate. If he’s in doubt he won’t do it until we have discussed it and even then, he always builds up to it. In a CNC scene, I know he will always be observing and that makes me feel comfortable enough to really let go like that.

Would I recommend CNC with a random hook up? Abso-fucking-lutely not. I wouldn’t recommend 95% of what we do, or most people in the kink community do with some random hook up. Too much could go wrong and without the trust, you’re risking way too much.

So, what do you do? 

The actual activities themselves are between the participants – Are clothes to be ripped? Will restraints be used? What language can be used? Can I spit, bite, slap? Etc. All that is between those involved and should always be discussed prior to the scene. Like with any sexual encounter, it can’t be changed on a whim either. If all parties agree to no biting and then the “attacker” leaves a dental impression on a shoulder then the rules have been broken, and it is no longer consensual. This is where having a partner who can control themselves is so important. Dom’s, at least in my experience and understanding, practice this at all times so they can keep a level head (no pun intended).

So why do people get upset about it? 

This is a question I ask myself all the time when talking to people about topics like sex, and sometimes I just don’t get it. The majority of us like to talk or read about sex. Be it on a blog like this, or erotic books. Be it talking about the affairs of your favourite celebs or chatting with your friends about the scandalous comings and goings of Stacy down the street. Everyone has an opinion and unfortunately some people like to push their opinion onto others. That includes what they should and shouldn’t like in the bedroom. HOWEVER, not everyone is the same, and so long as its legal and consensual then who cares? 

CNC is 100% consensual, it’s the word rape that makes people flinch. Even I, before I started researching the world of kinks and BDSM was ashamed of my CNC fantasies. I had a partner who made me feel like I was a psycho for wanting to experiment and his aversions made me feel like I was wrong somehow, when the reality is, my tastes in bed are just different from his.

But what if it triggers past trauma? 

This is a very important point, and one that I completely agree with. If you have experienced sexual assault in the past, then there is a high probability that CNC is not for you. It may bring back the trauma and the last thing on this planet I would want to do is make someone feel shitty about their sex life. That’s not to say that because you have dealt with it in the past you can’t participate. I’ve spoken to people who have experienced assault who enjoy CNC as they are able to separate the two. That is for you and you alone to decide.

My final point on CNC is aftercare. It is going to be an intense scene for everyone. Lots of emotions and possibly some physical damage may take place, so you need to have the proper wind down. Doms included. You can’t just have an aggressive play and then pop off to the supermarket. Its important mentally as well as physically to take care of yourself and to get back into the right headspace before continuing with your day.

Kink safely, kink responsibly and have fun.