Consent is Key

TW - Abuse and Rape

As news of Evan Rachel Wood naming Marilyn Manson as her abuser broke, I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. Having been a fan of his for almost 2 decades, my first reaction was wanting to believe it was a mistake. In the same way I wanted to believe the allegations towards Johnny Depp were untrue, but as I read her account and comments prior to naming him, my heart broke for her. She was a young girl who fell in love with someone she believed loved her. I suppose in some twisted way he did love her, but I seriously question how much you can love someone and still subject them to abuse and torture.

We live in a cancel culture which can and has been taken too far. Sometimes there is justifiable reasons for people's actions. Be it they were young and stupid when they made a comment 20/30 years ago or if a passing comment has been taken out of context. People need to look into things more before they light their torches and grab their pitchforks but now as record labels and agencies are dropping Manson from their books, I have a deep feeling of anger breaking through me at all the excuses of his abuse. Mainly that it was all part of a BDSM lifestyle.

Em, thats a hard no.

Being kinky is not by any stretch of the imagination and excuse to be abusive. It goes against pretty much every rule and safeguard I’ve come across in the BDSM community. Consent is key in every step. Even in the often-taboo act of “rape play” it is contingent on consent – It’s called consensual non-consent. It's all agreed upon and at any point a safe word can be used to stop.

While I am not a seasoned kinkster – I have 15 months under my belt compared to others who have been in the community for decades, consent is key was one of the first things I learned as a sub. Both from my Dom and from talking to others in the community. If I can learn that in such a short space of time, someone who has been reportedly into kink since the 90s and has lived a lifestyle that brings him into contact with people from all walks of life should be able to pick it up too.

His excuses make my blood run cold as it brings back memories from my past. Him torturing his partner for her to “prove her love” makes me wanna vomit as I know what that entails. Doing things that make your skin crawl just to please them cause the alternative isn’t worth thinking about. Having them “teach you” how to behave by using their fists or feet. Wanting so desperately to believe that it was the last time like they promised and that they really didn’t mean it, if only you had done as you were told. Being so conditioned that you actually believe it WAS your fault so you find yourself begging for THEIR forgiveness in some warped backwards world, even though it's you who is bruised, bleeding and broken.

When you finally get the courage to break free, only to be bombarded with threats of suicide from a person you truly loved tie your hands emotionally and you feel you have no choice but to go back. You are trapped and you are programmed do anything to make your abuser happy. I understand why she went back. You believe them when they say they love you and you believe in your heart that you can help them get better, so you’ll do anything including, in her case, agree to marriage 6 months later.

While I can forgive people for not understanding what it is like to live in that level of terror, I cannot forgive some of the bat shit comments I’m seeing.

“She knew what he was like when they got together” – I’m sorry what? Let’s break that down. What was he like? An over-the-top artist who wears controversy like a scarf? And what? Does that mean he is automatically gonna be an abusive dick? Don’t think so! There are many artists like that.

“He’s well known to be into drink and drugs” – so is most of the entertainment industry. In the 80s everyone and their dog was experimenting with some form of substance. That doesn’t mean they were all knocking shit outta their partners.

“If they were into rough sex then that’s part and parcel” – Bitch I want to slap the silly out of you, and not cause I’m kinky. To say that she should have expected it because they had rough sex is like saying a woman should expect to be raped because she has a vagina. After all that’s one of its main functions. Is a man fair game cause his pleasure button is in his ass? He might cum as you rape him, so does that make it ok? Abso-fucking-lutely not.

NO NONE should expect to be raped. One more time - NO ONE! I don’t care if you are a man or woman, a seasoned kinkster in the bedroom or a child cornered in a bathroom. NO ONE should be assaulted. And using the lifestyle as an excuse is a total cop out.

Just because someone likes something in the bedroom (or wherever they play) doesn’t mean they can’t revoke consent. I don’t care what your dynamic is, if you don’t want to you don’t have to. You could be with someone for 50 years in a D/s dynamic and say yes, every single time, till you say no once, and that is ok. The other 50 years of yes doesn’t negate the one no.

BDSM is a lifestyle. There are so many variants to this lifestyle, each with their own set of rules/guidelines etc. There are, like in many walks of life, grey areas but abuse is abuse. It is black and white.

What happened to Rachel-Wood and the so far 10 other women who have come forward was abuse. Plain and simple and for that I am heart sorry for them.

I stand in solidarity.

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