TW - Abuse

One of the biggest misconceptions I’m finding, when discussing BDSM with my vanilla friends, is that being dominated is just a fancy term for being in an abusive relationship. While I understand some of the confusion, it’s also not a fair assumption to make that a Dom is just an abuser giving under a fancy name.

Like with anything there are exceptions to the rule, but when done properly, BDSM is as far away from abuse as any regular vanilla relationship is. Just because someone likes to be spanked or hurt in some way doesn't mean they are being abused. The key difference is highly obvious ... Consent!

The typical cycle of an abusive relationship involves things used to isolate, intimate and then after subjecting the victim to various forms of abuse (sexual, physical, financial, emotional etc) there is usually a cooling off where the abuser may promise not to do it again, leading the victim into a false sense of security or even managing to convince them they were at fault all along. And through however long, it will continue until they are stopped.

The typical cycle of a BDSM scene is first and foremost about discussion, consent, the act, aftercare, and in many cases evaluation. The first two are essential in the scene and are the 2 biggest differences of abuse and play.

All participants would talk about what they were wishing to get out of the play, and what boundaries they have. Consent is ALWAYS given. Even with scenes involving 'abuse' or 'forced' play - it has all been discussed and agreed before the clothes are even off. Safe words are a big thing in the BDSM community and they are there for a reason! To keep everyone safe.

No-one in an abusive relationship EVER gives permission or consent to be abused. So right off the bat before a scene starts it's already completely different.

The most important thing as well in a BDSM relationship is trust. You must trust that when you say you don't want to do something, when the play starts, you know your Dom will abide by that. And that's also the difference between a real Dom and a wanna be fuckboy. When I am being dominated by Daddy, I know that when I say pineapples, he will instantly stop, just like I know that when he pushes my head down or slaps my face, this is done during play and play only - he would never dream of doing that outwith a scene, just like I would never tolerate it outside of play.

So while at the surface i see why people may think BDSM is actually just abuse, but it’s not the same and having experienced both in my life time i do get very irritated when people make comments like that but refuse to learn why they are wrong.

It's so important to learn the difference.