My submissive self

I feel like I’ve been losing my submissive side these last few months and its really upsetting. There seems to be so many things stacked against Daddy and I just now, so the BDSM part of our relationship has almost completely retreated.

I want to get it back though, which is why I felt so excited when I found the Dom/sub workbook from a fellow kink blogger Missy.

She has created a set of prompts that will require you to take a deeper look at your Dominant or submissive side – exactly what I need.

To really delve into my submissive side, I’ve decided to split the prompts up where I feel its needed and will be sharing my thoughts on my submission – That’s the point of the blog after all.

What are your submissive traits and qualities?

One thing I have realised with BDSM is that its not a one size fits all kinda deal, and my submission is no different. I am a mix of various kinds of sub and all of them combined make me who I am.

I’m a service sub. I love to take care of my Daddy, which is often difficult as he has caregiver Dom qualities which mean he is often reluctant to be cared for as he feels that is his job to care for me. It does lead to some clashing at times as I too am not used to being cared for, but in that debate he always wins. I’m not stupid enough to fight him on that one. I like knowing that I have made his life that little bit easier. I like cooking for him, or making him a cup of coffee, and I get the enjoyment from seeing his face satisfied. I’ve always viewed the woman’s job was to take care of her man, and then in return her man will take care of her. To some it sounds really outdated but it’s how I was raised, and it works for me.

I’m a little/middle. This one always throws me a bit. I suppose I’m classed as a little as I’m in a DD/lg relationship and there are aspects of the little lifestyle that I have been doing for years. I have colouring books that I will go to when I need to calm down, I have blankets that make me feel happy and safe, I have a collection of stuffies that I love, and I can sing along to practically every Disney song without a care in the world. But I also have a twisted side. The colouring book … is of characters from horror movies. The stuffies … are Halloween themed. And while I know Disney songs off by heart, I also know random trivial about true crime and if push came to shove, I reckon I could dispose of a body with relative ease. That’s kinda far from little/middle behaviour.

I’m a brat. This is the one I struggle with the most as it’s the default setting for my submission. When I’m in subspace (different from little space) I like to push Daddy’s buttons. I don’t know for sure why but its part of the fun for me. I have thought it stems back to when I was younger, there wasn’t much room for me to rebel as a child/teen due to my shall we say “complicated” childhood, and even as a young adult, confrontation was always met with negative results, but with Daddy, I can push those buttons and not have to worry too much about the outcome. Yeah, if he tells me to behave and I reply with “make me” its gonna get rough, but it’s the good rough that I like. Being literally bent over and spanked makes me tingle in ways I can’t describe and being forced into submission thrusts me into that headspace where I’m free. It’s worth every smack of the paddle. It doesn’t lend itself to a long-distance relationship though and recently when my bratty side (I call her Jinx) has surfaced, its caused frustration with Daddy as he can’t deal with it how he would like, so I try to bury her these days. Its not easy but I feel it’s necessary, at least for the time being.

What are the traits and qualities you have which can be a barrier to being submissive?

I’m not sure if this would be a quality as such but it is a definite barrier – at the moment I am sick. I am awaiting an operation to remove my gallbladder as I have grown myself some sexy gallstones that hurt like a mother fucker. Its hard to be thrown about the bed during playtime when there are days that I can’t move without wanting to simultaneously cry and vomit cause the pain is so bad. I’m also on a wait list for some exploratory stuff. I have been having what I will nicely call abdominal issues relating to my bowels – It’s not pleasant and the GP is teetering between ulcerative colitis and crohns, so its hard to get my freak on when my insides are like a war zone.

I had an abusive childhood and a couple of relationships that were pretty bad, so when it comes to letting people in, I have an instant barrier. It has been so reinforced over my lifetime that breaking it down is proving to be difficult. Daddy wants in, I want to let him in … but its hard. It involves so much trust and I’ve never been able to trust anyone like this before, let alone do it in a long-distance relationship. If I were to live with Daddy, I think it would be easier as I know he would be there to help me navigate my way through it, but as its stands just now I have to almost open a vein then stick a plaster on it till the next time it needs opened.

That feeds into him being a Daddy Dom too … He likes to take care of me, and I’ve been taking care of myself since I was in my early teens. Its sometimes difficult to relinquish that control to him. Part of me is terrified that I’ll get used to having someone there and then one day he will be gone. But I know that’s due to past experience and in the same way I’m not like any of his ex’s, he’s the polar opposite of all of mine. I’m learning, and I think I’ve done quite a good job over the last year to be a good girl. All he has to do is say “two words baby girl” and I instantly fall back. It has been a running joke among my friends that I’m a unicorn that can’t be tamed, but Daddy seems to be managing just fine. 

Its like he was made to reign me in.

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