It's not even about the orgasm after orgasm, though the pleasure is very welcome. I’m still taken to that erotic place when I’m on my knees serving him or being bent over and spanked till my legs buckle. It’s a state of mine that I crave like a heroin addict. That point where my brain just switches. Where I am no longer Scottish Lass, where I am his and his alone. It’s a connection that I share with only him and it’s a place I miss.

Lockdown has kept us apart and its breaking my soul now.

I feel like I’m a submissive without a Dom, which is of course bollocks. Just because there is physical distance between us doesn’t make me any less his, and he mine, but that distance feels like we are worlds apart at the moment. As much as I know he is always with me, I am experiencing what I can only liken to withdrawal from him. I’m craving his touch. I need to taste him, to feel his warmth against me, his arms around me to hold me together as I am clearly falling apart. I opened up this whole part of myself to him that I’ve never let anyone else see and now thanks to lockdown he has been taken from me and I am alone, feeling vulnerable and if I’m honest with myself a bit scared.

I love my Daddy with everything I have. His existence in my life is like a light in my darkness. A darkness that recently I have felt I am drowning in. Between my body systematically breaking down and my brain goblins epically fucking me over, I have been struggling with my life. The feelings of hopelessness have been creeping in more and more, and while I am currently seeking professional help for this, Daddy is the light that I can focus on. Without that, I have to learn to put myself back together on my own and I really don’t know if I have the strength for that.

My logical and emotional sides are at war with each other and its causing some fucked up collateral damage – and I’m terrified he’s gonna get hit with a hail of friendly fire. He plays his cards close to his chest, so I have no idea how he’s coping with it all. He tells me he misses me and that he loves me, which I believe but my climbing the walls might come across as a red flag to him. He has a lot going on so I’m trying to maintain my calm while inside I am falling apart. What if it’s a case of out of sight out of mind? What if I put too much pressure on him and he cracks? I’m not used to being needy and I don’t know how to navigate this. So instead, I retreat into myself. I pull away from everyone, including him (which he hates) but I have no idea what else to do. I’m spiralling and I need him to control me again. I need to relinquish power.

I need him to break me so he can put me back together the right way, how only he can.