Silent Lucidity

I’ve created a nest for myself. 

My bed is what I imagine sleeping on a cloud would be like. Because I don’t really share my bed with anyone, I can have it just how I like. This means pillows and blankets galore. I’m a sucker for a blanket. It’s part of my little space routine. 

If I’m overwhelmed, I wrap up in my blanket. 
If I’m tired I have a nap in my blanket. 
If I’m sitting on the sofa playing Xbox, I’m in my blanket. 
And if I’m reading, yup, you guessed it – I’m in my blanket!

At night I add Daddy's jumper to the mix, usually putting it over the pillow I cuddle and occasionally spray his scent on my bed. It usually adds up to a blissful night’s sleep.

So why the fuck am I having so many bad dreams??

I dream a lot as it is. After having conversations with Daddy, he tells me I’m a lucid dreamer. I’m not entirely sure what this means as I just assume that everyone dreams like me. I always have vivid dreams and sometimes I am able to tell that I’m in a dream and I can choose what will happen to a certain extent. But on occasion even though I know I’m dreaming, I can’t wake up. These are usually when I’m having bad dreams. Not every bad dream is lucid, no matter how real they feel but when I’m having a nightmare and I know it’s not real but can’t get out of it. It becomes so distressing that when I finally do wake up, I usually feel emotional. I have on many occasions woke up in tears from dreams, lucid or not. I once took a swing at a partner as I woke up as he was shaking me awake telling me I was screaming. I have no memory of this but he was adamant I was being tortured.

Today I had a wee nap. Not intentional but I had a rough day yesterday with a horrendous headache so I figure if I was so tired, no harm in napping.

It started off with me shopping with the teen. He was younger, perhaps 6 or 7 and we were in the shop Woolworths. Remember that one? So, I was looking for jeans for Daddy as I knew he needed some. I went to a stand and found a pair that I thought he would like but I wasn’t sure on the size he needed so I called him. It rang and rang but be never answered so I just left a message on his voicemail. I continued looking around with the teen and found a Halloween section. I was in my element till I got a tap on the shoulder and turned round to see the teens father (let’s call him C) standing behind me. I was taken aback as I didn’t expect to see him but he was asking for my help to find him clothes. I used to do this for him when we were together so I get why that memory might have come up. So, I pointed him in the direction of jeans and went on looking at stuff. I glanced over to see where he was and I spotted Daddy standing next to C. I went over to Daddy to give him a kiss but he was pissed off at me. They didn’t have the right jeans and he was annoyed that I had called him down to the store. He started yelling at me in the middle of the shop which was something my most recent ex (well call him D) once done. It was at that point when I started to get really upset, I realised that this is a dream, Daddy would never do this so I simply walked towards the door to the shop.

When I have a lucid dream there is always some kind of entry or exit way. Once I was at a swimming pool with my baby niece when I realised it was a dream and instead of worrying about sharks (a common occurrence whenever i dream about water), we played in the pool, my wishing to spend time with her and teach her to swim as we played. I knew I was dreaming the whole time but I also knew I could wake up by walking through the door to the change rooms. I don’t know why I knew that but I did. So, when I walked out the door of Woolworths, I expected to wake up ... but I didn’t.

Instead I was on the high street. I went back in the store to try the exit at the back of the store which lead into the mall, but Daddy called and asked me for help from the change room. I don’t know why but I went over to help him. He had picked up a pair of what looked like children’s trousers as they were so tight. He went to bend his knees and burst the anti-theft thing so got covered in ink. I tried to tell him it’s OK but he lost his shit and stormed away. Suddenly the store got really busy and I couldn’t find him. Although I knew I was dreaming I started to doubt myself. It felt all too real and I started to get panicked as the shop started to get busy. I just wanted to wake up, so I headed for the doors to the mall. I walked through and was back in the high street again. Not what I expected.

When I can’t wake myself up in dreams, I do start to get scared. As much as I know I can’t be in the dream forever, when I’m in it, I can’t convince myself of that. It feels real. There are times where I can smell and hear things that make it so real. In the pool for example, I swear I could smell the chlorine. I could feel the cold water on my skin like I was actually in the pool. I knew I wasn’t but y brain connected the dots so well that it was real to me. I could feel her in my arms. Some dreams are just so real.

This was one of those. To the point that I was starting to doubt if it was a dream or not. But the doors didn’t let me out. And I kept calling Daddy who wouldn’t answer my call. I’ve felt that before. I was once in a busy shopping center with D when he went in a mood and stormed off, leaving me in a near panic attack as I was alone amongst a huge crowd. I tried to call him but he kept putting me to voice mail before he returned half an hour later to find me in such a state, we had to go home.. That was how it felt. But with Daddy doing it to me. I know in my heart that it wouldn’t happen. He could never be that cruel but when you don’t know if it’s a dream or if your experiencing something all over again it's hard to convince yourself.

I ended up waking up on my own with the post man chapping the door. And thank fuck for him, as I was wondering the street looking for Daddy and trying to calm myself down while watching the teen get worked up too.

Daddy wishes he could dream like me. To me it’s just what happens. Vivid dreams are common for me, but why someone would want to be stuck in a nightmare that makes them cry when they wake up is beyond me.

I dread to think what goes on in my subconscious with some of the messed-up stuff I dream about.

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