Feel like me

It’s the early hours and I can’t get back to sleep.

This happens from time to time so I just spent a long time looking at the ceiling and thinking.

Daddy came down Wednesday night to have a sleep over and he left for home last night (since its technically Friday as I type). And I feel so calm after seeing him. I miss him terribly yes, but I feel different this time. The last couple of times when he has gone home it had left me with this horrible knot in my stomach. I have no idea why and I think to a certain extent he was picking up on my anxiety. Him leaving felt like it might be the last time I seen him for some reason, and it was adding to this mental black hole I found myself in. There was nothing that happened that could have possibly made me think that, but it was a feeling that was making me so anxious and sad that I would just cry for hours after he left me.

I’m not sure what sent me into my spiral – It might have been a bad mental health spell or it could have been cause I was in so much pain this last week with the possible endometriosis plus shark week hit so hormones had me just losing the plot. It could have been a mix of both. I found out the other week that Christmas in England with family is not gonna happen which means I’m also not going to get to meet my baby niece and nephew till next year some time. That makes my heart ache and my blood run cold. I don’t know if I am going to be able to see Daddy over Christmas too so it will be just the teen and I which is so different for us. Christmas has always been a family thing for us and being cut off from family has upset us both.

Things I have been enjoying, like drawing or crafting, have fallen by the wayside. Even TV shows I watch every week feel cumbersome. Its like my happiness has been draining and Daddy, rightly or wrongly is one of the few things I have left in my life that bring me real, pure joy. I was terrified that I was going to lose that – which ironically was making me pull away from him for fear I would get hurt, which could end up damaging us. I know, I know … that’s a stupid stance to take but it’s my auto defence when I feel vulnerable and this last week plus, I’ve felt so unsafe mentally that I even started to withdraw from my son, which I never ever done before.

Daddy was in the shower on Wednesday night as he came straight from work and I was sat in the bathroom talking to him. The subject of how I’ve been feeling came up and I felt a little like a deer in headlights. Not that I didn’t want to tell him, as I have got into the habit of telling him honestly how I feel, but I had no idea how to put it into words where he would understand.

That is one of the main reasons I don’t tell people in my everyday life about how I feel or what is going on in my head. They don’t understand when I tell them that I feel like I’m drowning but don’t know why. I don’t have a stressful job, I’m not weighed under with marriage or family troubles, I don’t have an addiction unless you can count tea but that’s not a problem if you don’t call it one. On paper I have “nothing to be depressed or anxious about”. I know this, enough people have told me this … but it doesn’t stop my mind goblins from losing their shit and hitting the panic button like it dispenses candy.

“Why do you feel like your drowning?”

“I don’t know, its like I’m overwhelmed with life and when I try to get to the surface something else shoves me down”

“What have you got to be overwhelmed about?”

“I don’t know”

“Well that’s stupid. Its all in your head”

That is a line I have heard so often – and from people that I tried to trust with how I felt, so I learned quick it's not a safe thing to talk about.

Daddy on the other hand does try to listen and understand. Only twice have I ever felt like I couldn’t really open up to him about something, most recently was during this last week relating to my pain – which he did admit he has a strange view about. Similar to his attitude towards death which I struggle with. But he does try to see my viewpoint and even if he really doesn’t get it, he listens and that means a lot.

So, when he asked me on Wednesday night, I tried to explain as best as I could – I felt like a stranger in my own body. I’ve been feeling like someone else is driving my meatsuit and I’m just kinda watching from the window. I haven’t been able to enjoy life like I did before, and I have been just lying staring at the wall or wanting to sleep. I like the sleep world because I can do whatever I like in there – no pain, no mental illness, no sadness, just whatever I want. I have built a whole world in there that I can sometimes go to, but I digress. He kinda got what I was meaning I think, but even if he didn’t, he listened and tried to see where my head was at.

We had a nice chill night, I played with him, he played with me, and I fell asleep in his arms all cummy, which is where I feel the safest. I woke up for good the next morning with him sliding inside me. Its been weeks since we have had sex and it wasn’t until afterwards that I realised just how much I needed it.

I am a sexual person at my core. Before my head started to fuck with me and my organs started to sabotage me, I would be sending him naughty messages, pictures, and videos all the time. I would be playing with a toy most nights and only coming a handful of times would be considered a slow week for me … But the last few months, I haven’t been even been playing solo. I lost interest and my toy box hasn’t been opened in I can’t remember how long.

I was feeling like everything was falling apart, including myself as a woman, but right now … I feel different.

I feel like me.

I feel like I got to spend time with Daddy, even though we literally stayed in bed all day watching Netflix as he’s in a lot of pain with his shoulders – It was clearly what I needed. And as a result, I got my sketch book out after he left. I started a pin up and have also started my playing card project that I’ve been wanting to do since the end of summer.

I miss him like mad yes, and I am cuddled up with the pillow he used as I type this as it smells like him, but I feel better about us. For the first time in a long time I feel like I’ve finally convinced my mind goblins that we’re not toxic and that he’s not gonna leave cause I’m struggling mentally. He tells me this all the time and while I do believe him, it hard to convince my mind. Especially when I feel like I’m so poisonous to everyone around me.

I get tired treading water all the time, battling with my brain every single day, and while I know that’s got to rub off on him a little, he gives me so much love and support that I wanna keep fighting. I wanna get better as for the first time in a long time my future seems like it could be fun. I don’t want to just exist anymore – I want to live. I wanna go on holiday with him – I wanna visit another country with him, I wanna sleep under the stars with him, I wanna laugh and love, I wanna get married in the woods with a Viking feast and our family and friends around us, I wanna live my life with him, have weird stories to tell the grandkids, I wanna grow old with him and laugh so hard our dentures fall out.

I love that man with my whole being and I know that with him cheering me on, I can pull myself out of this. I believe him when he says he’s never gonna let go of me, and in return I know I’m never gonna let go of him either. I’ve found a man who can handle me at my worst – so he definitely deserves all the freaky fun shit when I’m at my best.

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