Lovingly Mindful

It’s funny that today I’ve had conversations with a friend and on twitter about managing expectations and yet I think I need to re-manage mine.

I had a conversation today with a friend who is “hating” her partner just now. It reminded me of a conversation we once had where she was having a go that I liked horror movies but couldn’t stand rom coms.

I’ve never been a fan of the whole “chick flick" genre in the same way I don’t like war movies. They make me feel sad. War movies cause the empathetic side of me just drowns in the sorrow and pain the real-life people went through. I know those are actors, but they are portraying events that happened and it makes me so sad I just break. Chick flicks on the other hand make me sad for a whole different reason. They make me sad cause life isn’t like that, but they make it out to be. There isn’t always the smiling happy ending. Sometimes the good guy doesn’t get the girl. Quite often the nerdy chick doesn’t get picked to go to the prom with the jock who realises he was wrong to bully her for years and they get together and have lots of blonde babies and a house with a white picket fence and a golden lab running around. Unfortunately, more often than not, high school is like 13 reasons why, at least mine was closer to that than any rom com I’ve seen. Its all fantasy and that’s fine, but people buy into that shit, and it makes me sad.

My friend once told me that the reason I don’t like those films is because I’ve never experienced real romance or felt real love like that, and at the time I agreed, I hadn’t. To me love isn’t the filling your house with flowers and hiring a band to interrupt you at work (rude btw!) It’s the real nitty gritty holding you when you’re falling apart. Being the one you think about last thing at night and the first one you text first thing when you wake up. It’s the love notes you send cause the feelings you have for them are so strong you can’t hold them in anymore. Its the talking on the phone for ages even though you hate phone calls and would rather text. It's the checking in when you get home so they know your OK and picking them up something random at the store because you know they will like it. That’s the real shit and its better than any made up bullshit starting Reese Witherspoon (nothing against her, she’s probably really nice).

My friend sees life different to me though and she puts value in different things. She once told me that I would find the guy who did all that stuff for me and that’s when I know with the guy I’m gonna marry. At the time I thought (and told her) she was crazy, and I would never in my wildest dreams get married. Well jokes on me, cause I’ve only gone bloody found someone I dream of marrying. Doh!

I’ve found someone that I feel like I might be able to let in. To let my guard down with and I could easily spend the rest of my life beside. It’s a strange feeling for me, and one I would never share with my friend as I’d never hear the end of it, but I think I have found the guy who fits my idea of what love it.

I was lying on my bed after the weird conversation with my friend and I was thinking about Daddy. I was thinking about us and our life together so far. I felt all girly for a moment and decided to put into words how I felt about some of our memories. It was a big fuck off message full of soppy-nisk … and I didn’t get any kinda reply to it. He made reference to the message (video clip) I sent after it but no “awe" or “thanks" or “I love you too". At first it made me a little sad but then I realised that’s OK, cause that’s him.

Just because that’s my idea of love doesn’t mean it’s everyone’s and I need to learn to manage my expectations, at least in terms of my relationships.

He doesn’t do big grand gestures and he doesn’t always react to small things I do like that. But that’s how he is. I know he read it and I know in my heart he feels the same way. For a while it scared me as it felt like I was putting myself out there but over time I’m getting used to how he shows love.

It takes a lot for me to show vulnerability with people, but I do try with him. I let that mushy girly side come out a little more than I’d like because I believe he loves all of me in a way no-one has before, and I know I love all of him in a way I’ve never loved anyone before. That is important and it’s worth letting my walls down to let him in. And hopefully hell let me in too.

Till then I need to remember that there are 2 of us in this relationship and I need to be mindful that how he might show his feelings isn’t always the same way I show mine.

And that horror movies are way better than chick flicks.

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