I think it’s safe to say I’m no longer in a BDSM relationship. That’s not to say that I’ve broken up with Daddy, cause were still together, but the D/s side has all but disappeared.

I haven’t been in subspace since 2020 and I can’t remember the last time I’ve been spanked. That release that I crave has been ignored for so long that I’ve given up on experiencing it again. The frustration of this loss has pretty much destroyed my sex drive.

I’ve gone from the nympho who loved sex to not even feeling up to masterbating as it always end with me crying. It’s like starving and having to make do with breadcrumbs. After a while you just get used to the hunger pains. I don’t feel submissive at all anymore. Where before I would bend over backwards to please my Dom, now I don’t feel like I have one these days.

And it makes me sad. On a couple of occasions I’ve thought about “poking the bear” as it were. To get that reaction that makes my stomach all giddy. But it hardly seems worth it. You see, Daddy and I have only been able to see each other 3 times in the whole of 2021. And with 2 weeks left of the year, I don’t think that number will improve.

It’s been hard. He’s been busy with work and been in so much pain that he’s been pulling away from me. I’ve tried to keep the connection going but his mental health seems to be deteriorating so quick that I don’t wanna put any pressure on him. I know what it’s like when you feel like your world is caving in around you and the last thing I wanna do is become a burden. Its sad though as a lot of the things that made us “us” have gone. We don’t joke anymore. We never video call and even in this past week he’s not really been reading text messages so I feel like there is no point in even trying to talk that way. He’s under so much stress and me begging for attention is only gonna make him feel worse.

So I’ll just try and be patient. Sat here by the side-lines, mourning what we used to be and paying to anyone who will listen that 2022 will bring him back to me. Cause I miss him so fucking much.