I'm so lonely

I’m so fucking lonely.

This lockdown has broken me. Literally. Last month I had a mental breakdown from it all where I cried nonstop for days, had nonstop panic attacks, and even went as far as to make plans for the teen in the event that the intrusive voices win, and I decided to not live anymore.

This prompted my GP to go into action mode and we are looking at pharmaceutical ways to help me while my mental health nurse tries to give me coping techniques to try and help push the brain goblins back in their cage.

It's not easy though and there have been more times than not where I’ve told myself if I hold on till bedtime I can fall apart then. Anything to get through the day really.

I am starting to come out of it and the multiple daily panic attacks have started to subside but I still feel like I’m holding on by the skin of my teeth.

I’m so lonely. It’s been almost 70 days since I’ve seen Daddy and he was the last person I saw face to face besides the teen. I hate this distance apart and it has been making me feel like I’m not as connected to him. The physical distance is creating an emotional distance for me. I struggle to let people in at the best of times so this whole covid cock-block is making it harder for me to keep my walls down for him.

Speaking of cock block, It’s been 74 days since I’ve had any intimacy. Kinky or otherwise. And I know that’s had an effect on me too. I’m a nympho. I need that release. And when I can’t get it I get stressed and then it seems I get really sad. I haven’t gone this long without sex in some form since I popped my cherry age 16. That’s 18 years. My sex life is old enough to rent porn and yet no amount of porn, toys or otherwise is scratching this itch. And believe me I have tried. I've developed this fun wee quirk where I burst into tears after I orgasm which is really freaking me out. Only time I cried after I came before was cause Daddy had pushed me into this magically intense orgasm that made me cry happy tears. These are not happy tears. These are my life is so far from where I want it to be and I can't fix it so what's the point in even being here tears. Not good.

I need a release across the board – mentally, emotionally and physically.

I just hope I get it soon cause this daily fight is getting harder and harder.

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