I have been for years.
I don’t like myself. I think it’s because I see so much of my "father" in myself and it fills me with so much hate. I also can’t ever seem to do anything right which is frustrating as fuck. Even when I try hard, I always fuck everything up. Its difficult living in a body that infuriates you daily. I will compare myself to people who seem to be able to do shit easy and that I for some reason cant manage - like simply going to the supermarket. So I will start to spiral and pick apart at myself without meaning or even wanting to till I feel worthless. My brain is a cunt!
Daddy has called me on this at times where I am a little less than nice to myself but its not like I’m trying to be a fuck up or trying to be mean. I’m calling it like I see it, so I do have to be careful around him when I’m having a shitty time. My self-loathing irritates him and I don’t like making him angry.
I also seem to have this bad habit of self-sabotage, where my damaged mind will through out incredibly unhelpful thoughts that will fester and mold until it kills off my happiness.
Because I know I do this it is sometimes hard to know if it’s my brain reading things wrong or if the situation is wrong – which is as confusing as it sounds.
For example. My ex was a bit of a dick. Fair enough I let shit slide as he would always tell me how hard it was to love someone with depression and how my anxiety made his life harder so if he was willing to put up with me then I should put up with him. But looking back he used that as an excuse to get away with a lot of shitty behaviours. He would make me think that it was all in my head and that my anxiety was making me paranoid. I remember towards the end when I burst into tears one day as I felt like I was losing him he told me I was being so stupid as where was he gonna go? Yeah, he was sleeping with another woman at that time behind my back. Turns out I wasn’t as stupid as he said I was, I just didn’t realise he was that much of a wanker. He was acting different towards me and I was picking it up, just I didn’t know if it was in my head or if it was really happening so I let shit slide to make his life easier, sabotaging my own feelings in the process.
With Daddy I am trying to hard not to let my brain fuck me over but it’s so hard. Once I read a situation wrong and worried that he was gonna get irritated so I did something I shouldn’t to try and stop his feelings getting hurt. But I can’t keep secrets from him, I don’t like it so told him straight away which caused more pain that it would have in the first place. Plus, he wasn’t getting pissed off with me at all, so my mind read that so wrong and my automatic response was the wrong one. I know now not to do that, but it still plays on my mind to torture myself.
I do that a lot. Play over all the shitty things I’ve done over and over making myself feel physically sick at what happened. I don’t know why … I certainly don’t do it on purpose, and I would much rather not replay the times I hurt people, but it plays like white noise in my head making me feel shitty.
Within my submission to Daddy I sabotage myself a lot and it’s something I know I’m doing but I don’t seem to be able to stop myself. Its like a scab I just keep picking at even though I know its gonna get infected or not heal.
I am a bit of a brat in general. I call it playful but he says I’m being a brat so fair enough. I can get away with that for a bit but after a while he will start to pull the reigns a bit. That’s fine. But when he calls me a brat when I wasn’t? That is like a red rag to a bull for me. I don’t know why but it makes me moody and ironically makes my inner brat come thundering out. I then seem to struggle to keep her under control which pisses me off as its like I’m watching myself dig that hole, but I can’t stop it. There are times I know for a fact Daddy winds me up on purpose – like when he talks bad about himself. Fuck me that is like nails on a chalkboard in my head, so of course my big mouth has to say something and so it begins. I can only imagine the reason he does that is so he can punish me cause otherwise its just mean. I have called him on it, saying its entrapment and I am starting to learn to just internally scream but there are times where I just let my mouth run and have to take the punishments for my disobedience.
I do wish I could be kinder to myself and not automatically set myself up for failure but I have no clue how to stop it, so I just need to try and do as much damage control as possible.
God help me!
I also seem to have this bad habit of self-sabotage, where my damaged mind will through out incredibly unhelpful thoughts that will fester and mold until it kills off my happiness.
Because I know I do this it is sometimes hard to know if it’s my brain reading things wrong or if the situation is wrong – which is as confusing as it sounds.
For example. My ex was a bit of a dick. Fair enough I let shit slide as he would always tell me how hard it was to love someone with depression and how my anxiety made his life harder so if he was willing to put up with me then I should put up with him. But looking back he used that as an excuse to get away with a lot of shitty behaviours. He would make me think that it was all in my head and that my anxiety was making me paranoid. I remember towards the end when I burst into tears one day as I felt like I was losing him he told me I was being so stupid as where was he gonna go? Yeah, he was sleeping with another woman at that time behind my back. Turns out I wasn’t as stupid as he said I was, I just didn’t realise he was that much of a wanker. He was acting different towards me and I was picking it up, just I didn’t know if it was in my head or if it was really happening so I let shit slide to make his life easier, sabotaging my own feelings in the process.
With Daddy I am trying to hard not to let my brain fuck me over but it’s so hard. Once I read a situation wrong and worried that he was gonna get irritated so I did something I shouldn’t to try and stop his feelings getting hurt. But I can’t keep secrets from him, I don’t like it so told him straight away which caused more pain that it would have in the first place. Plus, he wasn’t getting pissed off with me at all, so my mind read that so wrong and my automatic response was the wrong one. I know now not to do that, but it still plays on my mind to torture myself.
I do that a lot. Play over all the shitty things I’ve done over and over making myself feel physically sick at what happened. I don’t know why … I certainly don’t do it on purpose, and I would much rather not replay the times I hurt people, but it plays like white noise in my head making me feel shitty.
Within my submission to Daddy I sabotage myself a lot and it’s something I know I’m doing but I don’t seem to be able to stop myself. Its like a scab I just keep picking at even though I know its gonna get infected or not heal.
I am a bit of a brat in general. I call it playful but he says I’m being a brat so fair enough. I can get away with that for a bit but after a while he will start to pull the reigns a bit. That’s fine. But when he calls me a brat when I wasn’t? That is like a red rag to a bull for me. I don’t know why but it makes me moody and ironically makes my inner brat come thundering out. I then seem to struggle to keep her under control which pisses me off as its like I’m watching myself dig that hole, but I can’t stop it. There are times I know for a fact Daddy winds me up on purpose – like when he talks bad about himself. Fuck me that is like nails on a chalkboard in my head, so of course my big mouth has to say something and so it begins. I can only imagine the reason he does that is so he can punish me cause otherwise its just mean. I have called him on it, saying its entrapment and I am starting to learn to just internally scream but there are times where I just let my mouth run and have to take the punishments for my disobedience.
I do wish I could be kinder to myself and not automatically set myself up for failure but I have no clue how to stop it, so I just need to try and do as much damage control as possible.
God help me!
I used to always try and sabotage a good relationship - kinda like - well let me get out b4 u decide i am too much of a burden and leave me - type thing. So I understand what you are saying here. I do hope u learn to be kinder to yourself - u deserve too
ReplyDeleteMay x
Yes. May said it, you need to learn to be kinder to yourself. I know that's easier said than done. And when I was younger I would do things to break up the relationship so I wouldn't get hurt first or get left first. A pattern that had to be broken.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing and linking up.
Happy Thoughts,
Cat